I can do this.
Shit! C'mon, really?
[I hear exasperated swearing. Are you...
You're going to have to speak up, Ed, I can't hear you.
[I hear exasperated swearing. Are you playing The Tower of Druaga again? Maybe Haunted Castle? Or, heaven forfend, Touhou?]
Worse. But just give me a minute, I can do this.
[... Back to the Future Part III? Eh? Isn't this sort of thing overdone?]
Nah, this is different. One of those games that's taunted me since childhood.
[If you're going to tell the story, can I get the abridged version, at least?]
I'll try and keep it brief, just for you.
[I'm amazed you know what the word 'brief' even means, you wordy bas-]
Agh! Can you shut up for a second? Look what you made me do. I totally had it that time.
[No you bloody didn't. Pause and tell me the story.]
Alright, alright. Basically I rented this back when you could actually rent video games from shops.
And I've never seen past the first level. I've always wanted to see if it even has a second level.
[That was worth the wait. Give us a go, then.]
No, dude, I got this. It's just a case of...
['You've got this' my arse. There's no way this is as hard as you're making it out to be. Give me the controller.]
No. One more try.
This is not easy. It doesn't help that everything's so dark...
[Why is that, exactly?]
A very strange palette bug, explained here.
[Riveting. Anyway, don't make me perform my deadly My Turn Uppercut technique- gimme the controller.]
Oh, alright. Good luck! You'll ne-
[Nah. Don't need luck. I go by raw skill... So, uh, what are the controls? What's the aim?]
Figure it out.
[Oh, thanks! Throw me in the deep end, why don't you? Fine, couple of failed attempts and I'll have this.]
[So... You've got a Shoot button, a Jump button, Down to duck, and some kind of grab action. Seems reasonable.]
[.. Ah, here we go. You can only get hit four times before you lose. And it's very easy to get hit.]
Not so confident now, are you?
[I'm just getting the hang of it.]
Yeah. Sure. Getting the hang of it. You got it, buddy.
On the plus side, at least they give you infinite lives... 'Cause you're gonna need 'em.
[Oh, come on! How is anyone supposed to do this?!]
See what I mean now?
[I'm not letting you win this, you little turd. I'm gonna...]
[Oh, fuck this for a game of soldiers! You can take over. I'm having a smoke.]
Take that outside, man! Don't even think about lighting up in here!
[Too late. Already thought about it. But it'd be funnier if I had a comically oversized cigar to do it with.]
[OK, you go and play your horsey game, back in a mo.]
Don't let the door hit you on the way ou- oh, he's gone already.
I have to admit... I'm a little happy he didn't beat this level.
I wish I could, you know, beat it myself.
You know what? Nuts to this game, and the horse it rode in on. Not in the mood anymore.
[Alright, alright, hand me that pad. I got this one!]
... Uh, OK... Wait, you're pausi- are you cheating?!
[Damn right I'm cheating! Had to look it up, didn't I? Pause, hold A, then press Up, Down, Left, Right, and...]
[There we go. Second stage. Game still sucks.]
... No! I was supposed to see the second stage only after hard work and trying my best!
[To hell with that. I wanna see the end so we can stop playing this ridiculous game. Skippin' to the next level...]
[There we go. Game still sucks.]
[Doesn't count for a game this old. In fact, I bet some people in the audience are glad to see this.]
[Just one more...]
[Aaaaand done. Good riddance.]
We won without honour. I can't believe you sometimes...
... Although now I have to ask- what did you even come here for?
[... Oh, yeah. I came up with a list of games to cover for this year's April Fools' Day article. I want to do something serious this year, and...]
I got a better idea. We'll just post this instead.
[You wot? Oh, come on! I got a great list of games to work with here! The Pit, Steel Worker, Port Man...]
Nah, overruled. This is much more entertaining. Ain't I a stinker?
[Massive shit, more like. ]
Anyway, now that's done with... Get outta my office!
[I'm not counting this as a victory, you know.]
Oh, that silly editor of mine. Oh well, see you next April Fools' Day!