So Round 1 is, as it should be in most scrolling beat-em-ups, a random street in a random town in a random cou- well, OK, that's a lie. It's blatantly Japan, because there is no way in hell you're going to see a young girl (or group thereof) running around kicking people's teeth in wearing nought but a sailor's outfit in the middle of Dorset. Maybe in Walsall, but definitely not Dorset. It's here, ladies and gents, that Sailor Jupiter's quest to eradicate all the evil punks in the city- and I mean all of them because she leaves no stone unturned- begins!



New foes are approaching fast, Sailor Jupiter! Oh, heavens, how will you defeat these horrible people?! This rather unpleasant looking trio serve as Jupiter's perpetual nemeses throughout the game, and appear in a variety of stylish palette swaps. The hag in green swipes at you and laughs every now and then, the impish troll moves around a lot and is incredibly annoying, and the grey bruiser to the far left is a sadistic weapon user, and could well be Duke Nukem and Johnny Bravo's illegitimate lovechild. For clarity's sake, we'll call her Duke Nukem Jr. from now on. We'll be seeing their weapons very shortly.

These, friends, are the bread and butter enemies, the Bred, Gus and Jake to Sailor Jupiter's Mike Haggar. I mean, this place definitely isn't Metro City, but I'm pretty sure Jupiter's as strong as a mayor, but I'm not sure if there's anyone in the cast who could count as Guy, and... Er, back to the point.



My stars, the enemies have you on the run! It's time to use your SUPER ULTRA HAPPY SAILOR SOLDIER SCOUT POWAHS!!!



BIKKU BANG ATTAAAAAAAACK!

[Not pictured: enemies falling down.
- Ed]

I'm not even going to bother picturing what happens because they just sort-of flash a little, then get knocked down. That's it.



A little further on, and more enemies appear. Strangely enough, some of them seem so familiar to Jupiter, as if she'd fought them only seconds ago, but in slightly different colours. She dismisses this notion, as it's inconsequential- she now encounters her fiercest opponent yet! Although she had seen Duke Nukem's apparent heir already on her adventure, she had yet to see said woman wield... The Crossmatrix of Chaos! We common people call it a tennis racket, I believe, but a name like that doesn't strike fear into the hearts of men. The Crossmatrix of Chaos is indeed a feared weapon, and Jupiter knows this all too well. She decides to finish off this fiend's friends, and tackle the racket-wielding assailant on her own terms.



And so, a one-on-one fight to the death ensues! Ol' Dukey Jr. has three basic attacks when she possesses the deadly tennis racket: hitting Jupiter with the racket, grabbing her and then whacking her with the racket, and- hand on my heart, this is true- serving exploding tennis balls at our poor, long-suffering heroine. No, really, look:



Surely, this is the most diabolical villain in the history of mankind.



Sailor Jupiter gives her no quarter. She can serve as an example to the others.



But now, a new foe has appeared! Indeed, two new foes are here, and they claim to be the bosses of Round 1- they are... Is that right? Kastol and Polx? Well, damn. Perhaps their names were made by slamming someone's head on a keyboard, and picking out the letters that stuck to their cranium. In truth, these characters- Kastor and Pollux- have had their names spelt wrong. This is going to happen a lot. Anyway, dialogue ensues!


I can't let you worthless dogs live. Prepare to be judged.



Ha ha, wow. Nice outfit, toots. Doesn't match your macho talk, though. Treat me nice, and maybe I'll...



Ah, you evil-doers always think you're in the position to negotiate. The only thing you'll be negotiating any time soon is a hospital bed.



... You're serious, aren't you? Oh man... Just... Just don't kill me!



Begging? Ew. I was going to be nice and let you keep the use of your legs, but after that pathetic display... Gaze into the foot of Jupiter!


Unfortunately, such dialogue doesn't actually happen in the game. I've made it up, I'm afraid. Ah, if only...



In fairness, this boss is actually pretty clever- indeed, I'm willing to offer to offer it the accolade of Interesting Idea #1, as Kastol and Polx fight as one. They both have individual health-bars, and whenever they pose together, they perform a deadly electric shock attack which renders them invincible. How innovative and clever, you may think! Until you remember that this exact idea (two palette-swap bosses with a team-up attack) was first done in Streets of Rage 3 with the Stage 2 bosses, Mona and Lisa. That game came out a year before Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon.

Sorry, Gazelle. Maybe next time, eh?

Anyway, aside from the team-up attack, there's nothing out of the ordinary here. Just you, these two weirdos, and a whole heap of goons appearing from every side. Fortunately, some of them are the weird jelly-like women (you can see one in the left screenshot below) who, upon being beaten, always leave behind goodies, be they blue crystals or health items. Although I have to say, I'm disappointed- it calls itself a scrolling beat-em-up, but there are no turkey dinners in sight! You get rubbish stuff like muffins and ice-cream. That's not healthy or filling!



In any case, turkey or no turkey, Sailor Jupiter has had enough, and unleashes her Foot of Justice...



... With less than stellar results.



They seem to be resistant to super ultra Sailor powers at certain times (and by that I mean 'don't use your Magic button unless they're walking around) which makes things only slightly harder on you. Once you manage to take one of this gruesome twosome out, the other one won't put up too much of a fight, so it should be pretty easy. One thing that this boss fight really brings home, however, is how utterly pathetic your attacks are. Although the health meters of each character are significantly shorter than your standard beat-em-up, it seems that it takes almost forever to actually whittle them down. Each attack your land on them only take a sliver off, so this fight (and, pretty much, every boss fight in the entire game) takes much, much longer than it should.



Well, that certainly took longer than it should've done.


Groovy. Didn't even have to try. Better go and find my next victim.


Where will Sailor Jupiter's insatiable desire for killing take her next?.