Eve's Stage:
The Greatest Circus




Yeah, that's right, not just any old circus- The Greatest Circus. Eve's making an appearance here for one night only, and if you're good enough, it'll stay as a one-off performance. This arena can be split neatly into two sections- the high section in the rafters, where both characters start, and the lower part on the ground, amongst the circus performers. The rafters are relatively spacious, but without much place to stand- you travel between the two sides by taking advantage of the acrobats, as touching them lets them grab you and take you for a ride... There's also some nice weapons up here, and the view's good too!



Down below, you get to mess around with the other circus acts- you can actually attack them, if you're that way inclined. C'mon, punching a clown is practically a victim-less crime! However, you might not want to piss off the elephant or the tiger when they show up- they can hit you right back, with the tiger being particularly hazardous to your health. You can also use the trampolines to get back into the rafters, if you want to get up there in style. You could just climb up the platforms, but that's for pussies.

Anyway, the main reason this stage is amongst the more sophisticated levels is because of the sheer amount of stuff happening in the main segment- not a second goes by without something getting in your way or mauling you to death. This is all nothing, though, compared to what comes on about halfway through the level...



Where are all these guys going?



Oh, hell yes.

This gigantic cannon gets brought on screen, and a small troupe of utterly insane human cannonballs cheerfully form an orderly line behind it. Then, you can get behind the controls, and are allowed to fire at will.

They even give you the thumbs-up, seconds before you launch them into your adversary.



Poetry in motion.

Betty Doe's Stage:
Seaside Aquarium




The final two stages on our list start to up the ante and get really elaborate. Betty Doe's stage starts off with a bomb being set by your enemy, and in this instance, it's wired up to a colossal fake whale that serves as a makeshift platform between the two sides of the upper half of the screen. Don't worry, though- it's got a pretty long fuse, so you're alright... For now. On the bottom you'll find a giant ornate statue and two fish tanks... But I wouldn't go for a swim if I were you. The fish really are biting at the moment, and not at the lures- they're biting at you. Unfortunately, there aren't any out-of-the-ordinary weapons to be found here; you'll usually get the standard pistols, machine guns and rocket launchers. This doesn't matter, though- this is one of the larger environments in the game, with some lifts to help you catch up to your opponent vertically, but the real fun begins once the bomb goes off. What happens then?



Holy shit!!!



The fake whale gets impaled on the statue, and one of the fish tanks gets smashed up- the stage is now going to start filling with water, and bringing its aquatic friends along with it! Since your character can only stay on top of the water, the only way is up.



Once the water rises above the statue, it'll dislodge the giant whale, and this is going to be your platform for the rest of the fight, as it'll stay afloat as the rest of the stage floods with water. Falling in the water leaves you open to the giant sharks and piranhas, which is pretty bad for your general health. Near the end, the water will rise up far enough to get you into a completely new segment in the loft of the aquarium, with a few more platforms and a new fishy friend for you to play with- the electric eel. Don't forget to give it a hug!

John Smith's Stage:
Skyscraper




Easily the most complex and therefore the best stage in the game, John Smith fights you in a skyscraper, where he's set a bomb, just like Betty Doe. Instead of a giant fake whale, however, John's bomb has been wired up to the floor below a helicopter in the room where you start. That bomb's got plenty of fuse on it, though, so you can relax for a second. This arena, at least at the moment, is pretty small- it's comparable to Dweeb's plane, really, so you can have a close-quarters scuffle for the first part of the battle. But then...



BOOM! C-r-e-e-e-a-k...



The bomb goes off, destroying the floor beneath the helicopter, which causes it to crash into a power generator below it, taking a few sets of stairs along with it, and smashing the water towers in the top right corner- if the water hits you, you'll be caught in the wave, flapping your hands around helplessly. Ah, the domino effect is wonderful to see in motion! Getting too close to the power generator also gives you a rather unpleasant electric shock. Aside from all this, the fight goes on as normal. Or as normal as a fight in this game can get, and only for a few moments. You think to yourself 'Oh, I guess that's it, time to get to killing this guy' but...



C-r-e-e-e-a-k...



The floor beneath you falls to pieces, and you find yourself in... A fancy restaurant?! You know, aside from the death and destruction surrounding here, this is a pretty swanky place. Wouldn't mind having a meal here myself. No time for that, though, as some new weapons appear for you to play with, including a basket of fruit, the classic pie weapon, and- yes!- hot soup. It scalds pretty badly, y'know. At this point, I thought that the stage was done changing so rapidly, mostly because you spend slightly longer down here... Please, enjoy your stay at Le Restaurant de Death!



Oh yeah, shortly afterwards, the helicopter joins you by slowly falling in from the floor above. Don't stand under it, you muppet! The room with the TV screens is also pretty cool, if you walk by the screens you'll see an enlarged version of your character on the tube. Pretty nifty. Anyway, the fight stays here for just a little while, but bear in mind there's a segment below that you can get to- the kitchen area hides a flamethrower, of all things, and a load of boxes to mess around with. However...



C-r-e-e-e-a-k...



Yes, the fight is still going- the helicopter smashes the floor again, this time dumping you in the fish tank with more lovely aquatic acquaintances to get friendly with. The rest of the arena consists of a little office environment, complete with vending machines and computer monitors to throw at your enemy, just for shits and giggles (and, even better, the computer monitors will smash over their head and get stuck if you throw them at the right time). Since there aren't so many obstacles here, this is the perfect time to finish the fight, and unless you and your opponent have barely scratched each other by this point, it's probably already over. If you're really persistent, though, there's one more segment. The ground shakes...



... And you end up in this shaft for the last 5 seconds of the match.

You know, we haven't seen the helicopter for a while. I wonder where it's got t-



oh.

Even better, the helicopter lands the very second time runs out, usually crushing the person with the least health. Classy.

So, what happens when you've beaten everyone...?

Our contract is nearly complete. Go to the next page to claim your money.