2009/2010 at Gaming Hell Headquarters...
20th May, 2010
HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY, GAMING HELL!
Bafflingly, another year has passed by and still we haven't been wiped off the face off the internet, despite being on an ENEMY OF THE STATE blacklist since inception (and some of our actions since then have just made things worse) but now, the silence times are over and the 'new' Gaming Hell is here. OK, so not that much has changed, and by calling it 'new' I'm implying it's better, but let's just go over the changes here, chief:
* The front page has had a total overhaul, with a new spiffy menu on the left (complete with hi-lar-ious little icons) and a dump of cool links at the bottom of the page.
* New Section! The Full English is the major change, and certainly the most important- every game that's been covered on the site, whether it's as a full play-through, guide, short article, whatever, is on this list with all the relevant information you need, and links to each article. Even better, the list is sortable- want to find the oldest game covered here? Just sort by Year! Want to find the shittiest games I've slaughtered? Sort by Rating! The possibilities are endless! Well, OK, they're not, but it's exciting, no?
* New Section! One Credit Reviews is home to some all-new articles... Kind-of. They're actually short reviews of games that've either been given full play-throughs, guides without articles or anything in-between on this site. That way, if you don't want the full exposure, you can just check out the short review instead. More importantly, these articles- as well as the Let's Gaming Love pages- now have a rating out of 5 stars. 1 is unplayable, 5 is highly recommended. Simple, but effective.
* In addition to those two new segments, every part of the site now has its own hub page- Wretch! Video Games!!, Let's Gaming Love, Beyond the Gamesmaster, The Gathering of Games and the sorta-new section Let's Gaming Tat- complete with awful pixel-art parodies courtesy of yours truly.
* Once again, some of the older articles have had a good wash and been updated, including Märchen Maze (now with info on the Sharp X68000 version), Fighting Vipers (totally overhauled and with a separate page for the guides) and King of the Monsters 1 & 2 (a little more detail on the home ports, including the bastards who made them).
* Finally, we have a favicon. It is, of course, the amazing Carbuncle from the Puyo Puyo series.
Quite a laundry list of changes. The only one I kept second-guessing on was adding ratings to the articles, as the last time I did that for a website of mine it was an unmitigated disaster. It was mostly to help with the Full English page, so you can sort the games out by how awful they are, but it also makes it easier for lazy readers and, well, I felt it was time to get with the program and offer ratings so I can pretend this is a legitimate site and not just a waste of time. As an aside, at the moment, 3 and 4-star ratings are the most popular, with just a paltry two games meeting my standards to get a 5 and, as a result, the Carbuncle Seal of Approval. Bear in mind that 5 isn't perfection- just really fuckin' good.
Hopefully, these changes make this site- such as it is- a better place. It's much more organised, at any rate, and the front page looks less like a mess... Although whether the MS Paint doodles help my cause or hinder it is up for debate. If anyone out there is reading this and wants to tell me how I could make this trash-heap any better, then please, email me (my email address is TheMetalSlug at gmail dot com) and tell me what I'm doing wrong! Hopefully with this 'new' site, I'll be able to attract more (willing) punters. And while we're wishing, I'd like a pony and a bacon sandwich please.
Here's to another year of self-depracating humour and playing video games that the man still doesn't want you to know about.
10th April, 2010
Oh, that silly Ed, what a rascal! Him and his April Fools' Day jokes, eh readers? Pity he put the apostrophe in April Fools' Day in the wrong place, the tit. [Uh, that was an April Fools' in and of itself... Yeah... - Ed] Regardless of what Ed's been up to, the time has come for something truly dangerous- a review of a game that came out just a few days ago! What could it be? Zombie Panic in Wonderland, of course, which makes this the first Wii game to be reviewed on the site. Cool, no?
1st April, 2010
[It's The Editor here, hence the tiny font. Yep, just like last April Fool's Day. 'Sup, bitches? This is the one day of the year where the idiotic writer lets me loose with the master controls, the loon. In light of this, I decided to hijack an article and claim it as my own. I caught my colleauge playing some insipid little platform game called Super Nin-e Sisters on his computer (his taste in games literally gets worse every day) and so I decided to take over from that no-good punk and show him how a man reviews a game. A manly review of a less-than-manly game, but shit needs to be said. See you again next April Fool's Day, motherfuckers!
25th March, 2010
The silence times, they are here again. As we know by now. But hey, it's not so bad, 'cause we got some modern gaming jackin' your shit up! It's the kind-of awful Altered Beast ready to assault your eyes! Isn't that neat?
2nd March, 2010
Hey, guess who's an incompetent webmaster who shouldn't be allowed on the internet? That's right- me. I've just realised that because FileDen is rubbish, a few of the things on the Odds n' Ends page aren't working. Specifically the Bubble Bobble II prototype that was, I don't know, the fucking point of that article, and the King of the Monsters 2 soundtrack. And then I fluffed up this index page and had to fix it. God, where are my proof-readers when I need them?! [Maybe if you paid me once in a while I'd be more willing. - Ed] Anyway, it's been fixed now. Speaking of incompetence, our YouTube Channel now has some amusing footage from Zombie Hunters- could this mean a review is on the cards? Hey, who knows? Anyway, expect another article some time this month. What's it gonna be? You don't know!
23rd February, 2010
And so Gaming Hell, the strongest website, enters upon silence times. Things are happening behind the scenes, you see, that will make this site less of an affront to everything good and just in the world, but to do that, I need time. Time and many, many cups of tea. So in the meantime, expect a short-ish article every month, until we're ready to make the final push and make this site not suck once and for all. This month, it's a little look at Tec-Toy's folly: Earthworm Jim for the Master System. Those fools at Tec-Toy tried to play God, and created a monster!
Incidentally, my website was advertised in Retro Gamer this month. Did it make any difference? Nah, 'course not!
8th January, 2010
It's not enough to just hope that 2010 will be more productive than 2009. The only way to do it is to make it so. As such, for the first few months of the year, I'm going to be blazing through my 'to-do' list, whittling it down to a level that other humans would consider reasonable. The first new article of the year is the conundrum that is Bubble Bobble II for the Playstation- just like Judge Dredd, this game was never released, but unlike that game, there's a reason behind it. This particular article comes with possibly the most generous extra content I could give you- the actual game itself. Get it before East Point Software's lawyers do!
3rd January, 2010
Happy New Year! And so it came to pass that the foul element known as The Suck was vanquished from this, the strongest website. Operation: Make-This-Website-Not-Suck is once again in effect. This time, I went through every single page again and cleaned everything up- fixed the lingering typos, got rid of the bits that sucked, improved some parts dramatically, and most importantly, removed the vile pro-Valve propagnada on the Fighting Vipers page (how did that get there? Ed, I'm looking at you!) [It was not me, it was the one-armed man - Ed] It was interesting, really- I've improved in this whole 'game review' malarkey quite a bit since I started in May '08. It's not like the first few reviews are terrible, exaclty, it's just that when you read them, it's blatantly obvious that I've got no idea what I'm doing. Ah, yes, those were more innocent times... Anyway, let's hope that 2010 is a bit more productive than 2009 was.
31st December, 2009
[It's The Editor here, hence the tiny font. I know it's not April Fools' Day, and this is the updates page, but my incompetent lack-wit writer managed to lose the blurb for the update on this particular date. It was something along the lines of 'If you're gonna cut it, cut it close' because he uploaded articles on King of the Monsters and King of the Monsters 2: The Next Thing just before the end of the year. We apologise for the inconvenience, and by 'we' I mean 'my idiot writer' 'cause I sure as shit ain't apologisin' for the shit that goes on here.
4th November, 2009
Well, would you look at that. October completely disappeared without an update! Isn't that terrible? Well, no. No it isn't, because things have been very strange for me lately. I'll put it like this- at one point I was considering updating this place from a grotty café in Southport because I had no other option. Getting back to the point, Let's Gaming Love gets updated after a brief excursion into photography! This week, it's a somewhat beardy look at Puzzle Bobble 4 and why I refer to it as 'the shark-jumping bastard child of the series', an expression that's up there with 'playing Hard Head 2 is akin to putting one's hand in a vice while searing hot needles are shoved into your feet and a firing squad takes potshots at you with napalm rounds' as one of my favourite quotes from this site, humility be damned. Please, enjoy.
24th September, 2009
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the most incompetent web master of them all?
That'd be me. Obviously. To say that uploading the Touhou Project page, along with its first article, was a painful experience is an understatement. A very big understatement. I think God himself tried to stop me from uploading that fucking thing, and as a result, everything that could've gone wrong did go wrong in a series of blunders that wouldn't have been out of place in a Three Stooges skit. So, I'm not going to lie to you- I rushed it. I just had to get it on the 'net as fast as possible as a form of digital exorcism, so it had loads of very silly problems... Which I've fixed today. Re-read it, for if nothing else, this article is a physical embodiment of my dogged persistence and utter refusal to ever give up on anything.
On the plus side, I also cranked out two little Let's Gaming Love articles just for the hell of it- a tiny article on Famitsu's 900th Anniversary Issue (including a list of the 100 greatest games as voted by the readers in 2006) and a slightly bigger article on Arcade Legends: Space Invaders, one of those bloody plug-in-and-play things. As a bonus, both of these articles contain photos taken by me (mostly because I only exhumed my totally rubbish camera recently, as it was craftily hidden under a pile of Lynx cartridges) and, as such, they're amusing to point and laugh at.
19th September, 2009
Take note of this update everyone- it nearly killed me!
We have yet another new section, entitled The Gathering of Games. This is, in fact, an extremely handy time-saving device, which allows me to have a hub page for sets of related games- maybe a series, maybe games by one developer- so that I don't have to reintroduce the common elements between said games every time I make a new article. First up, the excellent-but-weird Touhou series- a bunch of mercilessly difficult shoot-em-ups that will break your fingers, your spirit, and quite possibly your dignity. Sadly, they're more well-known for their rabid fanbase- for they are legion- than the games themselves. Time for me to change that, eh, readers? I'll add new articles to these hub pages periodically, but at the moment, there's only one in this section- Perfect Cherry Blossom. Read the hub page and then the review, OK?
Incidentally, when I said this update nearly killed me, I wasn't kidding. This article took me months, mostly due to my own incompetence, and it shows. It's the third article for this website that's come pretty close to finishing me off (the others being Insector X and, of course, Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon) and to say I'm relieved it's over and finally on the site is an understatement. Still, my rule is that if I'm not actively suffering when I'm writing for this site, I'm doing it wrong! You'll be suffering as well- there are LOTS of pictures in this article. If you've got a 56k modem or limited bandwidth, then for the love of Christ stay the fuck away from this one!
Oh, and I fixed a few things here and there. Added a little something to the end of the Hard Head 2 page (you'll have to suffer through the whole article to see what it is), made some changes on the About page (to add more lies), and finally, fixed the Odds and Ends page, specifically the Riiiiidge Raceeeeeeer sound pack- I left out the RR2 sounds... Although while I'm here, I might as well mention that the Ridge Racer 2/Revolution announcer is actually a bit of a douche. 'Har har, you're too slow!' and other insults are constantly sent your way for some reason. What a dick.
8th August, 2009
It's official; I suck.
I haven't done anything useful with this website in a long-ass time. Maybe it's time to give u- wait, do you hear that?
The big Gaming Hell update is approaching at full throttle!
According to the data, it is identified as "AWESOME STUFF"!
That's right, it's a m-m-m-monster update! Part two of my clean-up project, Operation: Make-This-Website-Not-Suck has been seen to- some bangin' video game tunes. Now you can assault your ears with not one, not two, not even three, but an astonishing four new video game soundtracks. They are, in rough order of bodaciousness, The Outfoxies, Märchen Maze, Insector X (Arcade) and, uh, Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon. PSSM and Märchen Maze already had music for them here, but this is the entire soundtrack we're talking about. How generous is that, I ask you? The word you're looking for, I believe, is very.
But wait! There's more! Should you venture over to the wonderful Odds and Ends page, you'll find some more voice packs in the Random Crap section, from three classic arcade games- Victory Road and Riiiiidge Raceeeeeeer- both the original and the sequel. Don't chicken out- show some guts and download these things!
There is also, of course, a totally righteous article up as well, the first new Wretch! Video Games!! article since February. It's a horrifically in-depth look at the fishy platformer James Pond II - Codename: Robocod, which might be a familiar name to all the Brits in the audience, as it was kind-of popular back in the early 90s. It's also game that holds a special place in my heart- one of the earliest games I can remember renting from the video shop. Awwww. Can't believe I'm covering something so well-known- next thing you know I'll be covering Metal Slug and Final Fight and then you'll know I've sold out.
I've also gone and cleaned up some of the other articles, in particular the Tower of Druaga and Fighting Vipers pages, 'cause damn, there were some bloody stupid spelling
eorrsr errrosr errooorrsew mistakes.
Fear not, loyal viewers (assuming there's more of one of you reading this tripe), I'm back in the swing of things, so there shall be more retro gaming goodness from me for a long time to come!
Finally, I wish Duke Nukem Forever would stop playing with my heart.
2nd June, 2009
You know, I'm not satisfied with just this website- I've also managed to weasel my way into the SNES Week over at the excellent Socks Make People Sexy. I crapped out a quick and dirty review of Out to Lunch for them, so go and check it out, but look at the rest of the site too- it's excellent stuff, especially their amazing playthrough of ever Mega Drive shmup and their Final Fantasy retrospective, so read 'em! On a sort-of related note, I added some links to gaming websites better than my own on the menu- I visit them, and so should you.
Oh, and we now have a logo. Took me long enough. Refresh this page to see all the different taglines for the site.
I swear, I'll come up with a real update soon enough.
You want to keep going...? Click here for Year 1: The Year of Despair
Or click here to leave.