Back to the Future Part III - If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour... You're gonna see some serious shit.

[This is my review n- OH JESUS I'VE JUST SEEN HOW MANY PICTURES ARE ON THIS PAGE - Ed]

...

[HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CAPTION ALL THESE... - Ed]

OK, right.

I can do this.

[SEND HELP - Ed]

Oh, balls.

[VOUS POUVEZ M'AIDER, S'IL VOUS PLAIT - Ed]

Damnit.

Shit! C'mon, really?

[I hear exasperated swearing. Are you...
- Ed]

You're going to have to speak up, Ed, I can't hear you.

[Oh, alright.]

[Ahem.]

[I hear exasperated swearing. Are you playing The Tower of Druaga again? Maybe Haunted Castle? Or, heaven forfend, Touhou?]

Worse. But just give me a minute, I can do this.

You don't speak Italian? For some reason I assumed you would.

You don't speak Italian? For some reason I assumed you would.

[OH THANK HEAVENS SOMEONE TO ASSIST Moh it's you. - Ed]

[And no, I don't speak Italian. Why would you assume that? - Ed]

Agggh, cocks!

[... Back to the Future Part III? Eh? Isn't this sort of thing overdone?]

Nah, this is different. One of those games that's taunted me since childhood.

[If you're going to tell the story, can I get the abridged version, at least?]

I'll try and keep it brief, just for you.

[I'm amazed you know what the word 'brief' even means, you wordy bas-]

I dunno, you strike me as the sort of man who'd learn that language. You're certainly not the kind I'd assume would learn Japanese, though.

I dunno, you strike me as the sort of man who'd learn that language. You're certainly not the kind I'd assume would learn Japanese, though.

[Uh... Well, you know, you pick things up, don't you. - Ed]

Anyway. Don't look so upset to see me. I'm here to help you with these captions.

Agh! Can you shut up for a second? Look what you made me do. I totally had it that time.

[No you bloody didn't. Pause and tell me the story.]

Alright, alright. Basically I rented this back when you could actually rent video games from shops.

And I've never seen past the first level. I've always wanted to see if it even has a second level.

[That was worth the wait. Give us a go, then.]

No, dude, I got this. It's just a case of...

[I'm touched. I didn't know you cared. - Ed]

[I'm touched. I didn't know you cared. - Ed]

I don't. But I once left captions off a page and someone noticed straight away.

[So that's why the motto of the site is, if it exists, it must be captioned... - Ed]

Ah, shit!

['You've got this' my arse. There's no way this is as hard as you're making it out to be. Give me the controller.]

No. One more try.

You got it.

[I mean, I hope the readers are sharp enough to pick up the joke with these screenshots, but what can we talk about? - Ed]

[Pfft.]

This is not easy. It doesn't help that everything's so dark...

[Why is that, exactly?]

A very strange palette bug, explained here.

[Riveting. Anyway, don't make me perform my deadly My Turn Uppercut technique- gimme the controller.]

Oh, alright. Good luck! You'll ne-

[Nah. Don't need luck. I go by raw skill... So, uh, what are the controls? What's the aim?]

Figure it out.

[Oh, thanks! Throw me in the deep end, why don't you? Fine, couple of failed attempts and I'll have this.]

Stuff, I guess.

... Well, there was something important I wanted to discuss with you. Very important.

[So... You've got a Shoot button, a Jump button, Down to duck, and some kind of grab action. Seems reasonable.]

[Oh God, you're not treating me as some sort of Agony Uncle, are you? - Ed]

[Oh God, you're not treating me as some sort of Agony Uncle, are you? - Ed]

No. I want to talk to you about your usage of tea cups.

[.. Ah, here we go. You can only get hit four times before you lose. And it's very easy to get hit.]

Not so confident now, are you?

[I'm just getting the hang of it.]

I have noticed, lately, that my Denby cups have been used a lot.

I have noticed, lately, that my Denby cups have been used a lot.

I like tea, yes. But the Denby cup usage has gone beyond that of one man.

[... I have no idea what you're talking about. - Ed]

Yeah. Sure. Getting the hang of it. You got it, buddy.

[Shut up.]

On the plus side, at least they give you infinite lives... 'Cause you're gonna need 'em.

You know very well what I'm talking about! Don't deny it! You've been using my Denby cups for your 'Mmmmm' tea! And normal teas too!

You know very well what I'm talking about! Don't deny it! You've been using my Denby cups for your 'Mmmmm' tea! And normal teas too!

[Now come on! I've... I've only been using those cups because they're the last ones left! - Ed]

[Oh, come on! How is anyone supposed to do this?!]

See what I mean now?

[I'm not letting you win this, you little turd. I'm gonna...]

[... Strong words, little man. Where's your evidence? - Ed]

[... Strong words, little man. Where's your evidence? - Ed]

I have security camera footage of the kitchen from yesterday. Let's examine it and solve this mystery! It WAS in your contract that you'd be filmed in there, you know.

[Alright, alright, fine. I don't see what you intend to find, though. - Ed]

[Oh, fuck this for a game of soldiers! You can take over. I'm having a smoke.]

Take that outside, man! Don't even think about lighting up in here!

[Too late. Already thought about it. But it'd be funnier if I had a comically oversized cigar to do it with.]

[OK, you go and play your horsey game, back in a mo.]

Don't let the door hit you on the way ou- oh, he's gone already.

I have to admit... I'm a little happy he didn't beat this level.

OK, the tape's playing now. This was... Must've been around 10 in the morning. Ah, there you are, strutting into the kitchen.

OK, the tape's playing now. This was... Must've been around 10 in the morning. Ah, there you are, strutting into the kitchen.

Ah, there, do you see? You looked around shiftily as you went to the cups. The cupboard clearly has other cups for you to use- there's the Batman one, the Magic cup, the Alice Margatroid one- and yet you go straight for the Denby cup. How do you plead?

I wish I could, you know, beat it myself.

[... Guilty. - Ed]

Good. I'm glad we cleared this up. Don't use my Denby cups aga-

[Now hold on a sec... Keep watching. - Ed]

Agggggggh.

... Oh, look at that. You've long gone, but now our mascot, Sarah, has just walked in.

[... She's looking right at the camera. What's she saying? - Ed]

I think... I think it's something like 'You wanna see a neat trick?'...?

You know what? Nuts to this game, and the horse it rode in on. Not in the mood anymore.

[Alright, alright, hand me that pad. I got this one!]

... Uh, OK... Wait, you're pausi- are you cheating?!

[Damn right I'm cheating! Had to look it up, didn't I? Pause, hold A, then press Up, Down, Left, Right, and...]

[Aha, see? She's using a Denby cup too! It's not just me! So don't... Eh? - Ed]

[Aha, see? She's using a Denby cup too! It's not just me! So don't... Eh? - Ed]

She's got another Denby cup. And another. And another. She's...

[... She's stacking them on top of one another... Like some kind of tea pyramid! - Ed]

[There we go. Second stage. Game still sucks.]

... No! I was supposed to see the second stage only after hard work and trying my best!

[To hell with that. I wanna see the end so we can stop playing this ridiculous game. Skippin' to the next level...]

She's filled each one with a teabag and sugar, and she's filled the kettle to the brim...

She's filled each one with a teabag and sugar, and she's filled the kettle to the brim...

[... In-fucking-credible! She's pouring boiling water into the top cup, and it's flowing down into the others! She's just made herself SIX cups of tea! And she's put milk in too!

Er, if any kids are watching... D-don't try this at home! As well as boiling water being dangerous enough, drinking four cups of tea or more in an hour can kill you! I'm... I'm guessing Sarah can do it because one of the job requirements for working at Gaming Hell is having guts of steel.., - Ed]

[There we go. Game still sucks.]

Dude! Spoilers!

[Doesn't count for a game this old. In fact, I bet some people in the audience are glad to see this.]

... Finally, she's put them all on a tray and she's looking at the camera again... I think she said something like 'I hate hogging all these Denby cups, but isn't it nicer to see 'em all used up?'...'

... Finally, she's put them all on a tray and she's looking at the camera again... I think she said something like 'I hate hogging all these Denby cups, but isn't it nicer to see 'em all used up?'...'

[Just one more...]

... Fancy a cuppa, then? Denby cup, obv.

[Aaaaand done. Good riddance.]

We won without honour. I can't believe you sometimes...

... Although now I have to ask- what did you even come here for?

[... Oh, yeah. I came up with a list of games to cover for this year's April Fools' Day article. I want to do something serious this year, and...]

I got a better idea. We'll just post this instead.

[You wot? Oh, come on! I got a great list of games to work with here! The Pit, Steel Worker, Port Man...]

Nah, overruled. This is much more entertaining. Ain't I a stinker?

[Massive shit, more like. ]

Anyway, now that's done with... Get outta my office!

[I'm not counting this as a victory, you know.]

Oh, that silly editor of mine. Oh well, see you next April Fools' Day!