And so, to Flugelheim Museum! RESCUE THE PRESID- I MEAN, VICKI VALE.



The Museum is basically the same as the streets of Gotham City^TM but there are a few bits where you're forced to go on the top floor when the bottom is blocked by a wall. We also see these annoying Joker boxes for the first time, which spew explosives all over the shop. They're taken out with a single punch, but if you don't take them out straight away, it's lights out for Batsy, because despite wearing protective armour, one tiny explosion from these bombs kills him instantly. Anyway, aside from the ugly digitised renditions of famous art pieces, there's very little going on here that you haven't already seen; beat people up and keep moving while trying to keep the willpower to remain playing.



... You know, I think it may have been a mistake to have four pictures for each stage. Even Hard Head 2 only had three pictures per stage, and that even included the bosses. It's very difficult to write stuff when the stages are so short and so... Unworthy of attention. There's a reason I do this, though, because some of these screenshots are just so stupid. I mean, look at the red guy standing around in the screenshots above. He's not even trying. His buddy in the left screenshot is equally hilarious, jumping out of the screen just to avoid even being associated with this game. The screen on the left also has the aftermath of a thug jumping out from behind a painting, which is a classic gag, but such a shame there's a wall behind said painting. Maybe the enemies are ghosts, or figments of The Batman's imagination? Aha, an interesting interpretation indeed! Batman is merely wandering around, punching the air, as he has become so used to fighting the scum of Gotham City^TM that he does it without even realising it!

But there are more pressing matters afoot, friends. Look on in terror!



Good Lord! Choke! A balloon! My fiercest nemesis!



POW!!

To be serious for a second, these balloons are obviously filled with poison gas or something, and were probably in the film. I have to confess, it's been a long time since I last saw the film. There's something about balloons in it, right? Anyway, enough balloon piss-takery, it's time for to get down with the clown, and help ourselves to another Boss Fight!



As I said before, each boss battle boils down to hammering away at the enemy and pushing them back to a certain point, ending the battle. This first scuffle with The Joker sees him busting out the flower squirter and some magic flying knives, for whatever reason. He struts about with such... Confidence! To add a little flavour to the fight, he takes delight in cackling, "The pen... Is truly mightier than the sword!" every two seconds, much to the player's consternation delight. Also, he'll sometimes duck, which somehow renders him completely impervious to damage. I don't profess to know how he does this, must be the same logic that allows Japanese schoolgirls to block any attack heading their way in fighting games.



Once you've lured him right next to Vicki Vale, though, he suddenly develops a huge amount of The Fear of The Dark Knight, and struts off screen like a winner. That leaves us with the dame to attend to. Yoicks, and away!



Isn't this a little over-the-top?



And now... Another boring driving level. This time, the Joker's cars fire rockets and bombs at you. Yawn.

But take note at those surreal buildings. I guess the main architect in Gotham City^TM is either drunk, crazy or from Cloud Cuckooland.



Hey, they're recycling the title screen in the actual game? Shocking.



I keep putting these "MISSION OBJECTIVES" bits separately because they're so patronising.



Back on the mean streets of Gotham City^TM, your only aim is to just get through the level alive in one piece, following rather helpful pieces of graffiti left by The Joker, and standing in your way... Is every thug within a five mile radius. This is probably the most difficult stage up to this point, and for whatever reason, also happens to be the most bug-ridden. A good example is the ladder- as long as The Batman is even remotely near one, he can climb up...



... Which can sometimes lead to the absurd.



Here's some more for you, and it's fair to say that at this point, it's no longer about what actually happens in each stage, it's about what glitches we can find. In the screenshot on the left, as well as the ridiculous crouching gangster, your patience is taxed by the fact that Batman can't hit the thugs on the top ledge. There's actually three tiers of this, with the third lower one being off-screen. You can't hit any thugs from there either, so you have to leap up- which is painfully slow, and will lead to you being hurt by the goons anyway- and then leap up again, even though you should at least be able to hit them in the shins from the floor below.

The screenshot on the right, however, shows my favourite glitch in the entire game. The enemies really have issues with ledges, as we noted on the first stage. They'll either walk off them like idiots (and occasionally try to get back up) or they'll got for the more entertaining option and freeze entirely- no movement whatsoever. See the guy with the knife? He's not moving any time soon. You can keep him there for as long as you like, until you try to pass, and inevitably come short of hitting him, bounce off him softly, then fall aaaaall the way down. Great.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Batman descends from the rafters to be greeted by... The Theatre of Fail!



Wow.

In this segment, Batman is assaulted by all sides while trying to get to his car (it's happened to me on countless occasions, you can't park for a second without gangsters going for your wallet in my town) but he's also assaulted by a series of increasingly hilarious bugs that completely mess up the appearance of the enemies, including some merging together, and others disappearing save for their clothes. Some may cite it as being an emulator bug, but rest assured- "The priority system for this game was primitive. ...[they] suck just that bad." according to the lovely people at MAMEdev. This is precisely how the game appeared in arcades back in 1991, folks. It really did suck this bad.



And then, for no reason whatsoever, a guy pretending to be a ninja shows up. Was this in the film? My memory of the late 80's/early 90's is little more than a Mega Drive-addled haze.

(As Bobby Tribble from UnMAMED points out, this guy certainly is in the film. We are dumb. Sorry.)


"Winged bat flies through the night and finds me ready!"

Another digitised picture, another glitchy line. Sigh.



Finally, a decent driving stage. You get to control the Bat Wing this time, as you steal The Joker's balloons and fight off his attack helicopters. You catch the balloons in the centre of the Bat Wing- line 'em up with the middle segment by moving left or right and you'll pick them up automatically. The stage is on a timer, and even if you don't collect a single balloon, you'll go to the next stage when the time is up, as the Joker wails "HE STOLE MY BALLOONS!!!" in your general direction. However, collecting the balloons is fun, and not only do you get 2000 points for each one you pick up, but you get a huge points bonus at the end if you get them all. It's a nice little section, actually, and probably the most enjoyable bit in the game- although it's barely more sophisticated than the other driving sections, it's still pretty fun! Shame that the fun is so very short-lived.



Oh my, what a turn of events! The Joker uses his absurd pistol to take down the Bat Wing, and now Batman has to find him in a cathedral. I was hoping that I'd be able to fit the next level on this page, but no, it was going to make this page go on forever. As such, I had to take so many pictures dedicated to its utter failure that it had to be given its own section to save you from a dreadful fate of having about 30 pictures shoved down your throat on one page. Let's just get this over with.

Now, I can truly say, on the next page, there is a bat in my belfry.