And the next stage is... Wait, what?!


Oh, hell yes. Having hunted down the usual suspects, Charlie now goes for the less obvious villain, an evil American football player. C'mon, you've all thought it at some point, those helmets and ridiculous shoulders pads are blatantly hiding some stolen gold or something. As such, this epic battle between Ninja and American Football Player takes place on the football field and you're constantly assaulted by bombs made to look like American footballs. Truly 'tis the greatest nation in the world!



The main enemy on this stage is actually this cheerleader character, firing out purple kisses that damage you.

Defeat them and...



Yep.

Charlie Ninja and its humour is very much a product of its time, for good or ill.



After that, the level proceeds to get a little crazy with the rampant fires and the giant mace balls. Keep in mind that this is supposed to be a football field, not a death trap. People are supposed to play and watch the wonderful past-time of American football here, not get horribly skewered by random spikes and set ablaze but then again, what do I know? Anyway, the game perks up from the slump in Freddie's stage and kicks things back into 'Hectic' as there's lots of danger, in particular the mini football players who litter the stage with football bombs, the cheerleaders flinging kisses of death your way, and the rest. I'm not going to tell you to take it slowly here, because that'll give the enemies ample time to run on screen. Just dash through and you should be alright.

When we reach the end of the stage, it's time to fight the nefarious Bear. What tricks does he have up his sleeve?



Now that's uncalled for. What did that football player ever do to Bear? What an asshole.



Bear is actually one of the easier bosses, mostly because he's got no projectiles to speak of, aside from his smaller football-playing buddies, who'll sometimes wander on screen to be thrown at you like a rag-doll. No, he uses the power of his mighty beer-belly, with the force of a thousand locomotives behind it, to destroy you! His main attack is using said belly to bounce around the screen to try and squash you, homing in on your last location. He'll also fly around on occasion, using only his arms to maintain flight- when he does this, he'll eventually make his way into the background, landing on one of the seats in the background (where he's been sitting for the majority of the stage, simply pigging out on ice-cream), then jump back to the foreground, slamming into the floor and stunning you if you happen to be standing on the floor when he lands. Finally, he'll try an E. Honda-style torpedo attack, launching himself at you and flying around the screen at different heights.

Best part is that he's a ballsy man- he won't run off when you weaken him.

No, he sticks the fight out for as long as possible.

What a trooper.



Well, that didn't take very long. Cute cheerleader costume, Red Charlie!

Who's next?



This is the next stage, a particularly eeeeeevil looking scientist with the unlikely name of Dr. Mac. What a fiend, let's get him!.



So, naturally, Stage 5 takes place in a typical mad scientist's lair. You know the type. Lots of conveyor belts both in the background and the foreground, various science-type flunkies armed with rayguns, lazor beems mounted to the ceiling, and, for some reason, the generic ninja enemies back from Stage 3. It's pretty standard stuff, ripping pages directly from the 'Scientist's Lab' page of the Generic Platformer Guidebook. However, one of the enemies is not one you'd particularly expect to find in a mad scientist's laboratory...



That's right. Jason Vorhees. Lots of Jasons. Jasons who just burst through the walls like they're not there, armed with a hatchet and a chainsaw, and who charge at you like madmen. Unlike the same villain from the Friday the 13th movies, these guys can be killed, although you won't see it too often, as these guys are amazingly fast, even if they look like they weigh a ton. It's best just to stay out of their way once they break out of the walls, as they'll just stay on the floor like decent axe-murderers, and won't even change direction. Most of the time you won't even see them for that long...

But that's not even the best part! I present to you...


HOCKEY-MASK PODOBOOS
A joke for the video game crowd, then. In this tiny segment of the lab, these hockey mask-wearin', chainsaw-weildin' maniacs launch themselves from the acid vats, exactly like the Pobodoes/fireballs from the Castle levels in the original Super Mario Bros. Now that is an inventive use for a (near) indestructible murderer if ever I've seen one, and one of the craziest things in the entire game. Utter genius. Makes one wonder what the hell Dr. Mac is even up to down here... Speaking of, he's our next boss. Time for an appointment with the Doc.



Dr. Mac is a cheater, through and through. As such, he utilises this rather ridiculous walking machine to fight you. However, he's only got one legitimate attack- the laser beam on the machine's crotch (that's what it looks like, I'm sorry) will freeze you on the spot (and turn Charlie monochromatic) and he'll stomp and jump around a bit, but that's it. The main danger comes from the many ninja flunkies that appear during the fight, who assault you with everything they've got. Focusing on Mac and not being distracted by the midget ninjas is the key to this battle- take them out if you can, but just try and get the Doc's health down as fast as possible.



When I said he was a cheater, I meant it. Like a lily-livered coward, he jumps off as soon as you've knocked his health down a couple of notches. This in-between segment is by far the most annoying in the game, and the only section of the game I genuinely dislike. With the other bosses, these interim sections were brief, but at least tried to add a little bit of variety. By this point, it's annoying. But if we press on, we can end this mad-man's schemes!... Come to think of it, we don't really know what he's done. Hell, what crimes have the other bosses committed?! Have we being arresting innocent men all this time?!



No time to ponder the ethics of our mission, Dr. Mac is back with an upgrade. Time to put an end to this.



Dr. Mac picks up the fight where he left off, except he gets a fancy addition to his walker machine. He can actually fire bullets at you this time with that shoulder-mounted machine gun, and the comedy glove can grab you, shake you about a bit, and takes away two hearts. Cruel. The rest of the fight is the same, midget ninjas and all. The best approach is to always keep away from Dr. Mac, using the Hurricane Slam to avoid his monochrome beams and bullets and doing your best to keep the midget ninjas at bay. While it's tempting to get up close to slash him silly, that grabbing hand will put an end to that for you. It's also important to note that the Hurricane Slam won't completely protect you against the hand- if you're too close when it ends, Mac's gonna get ya.



Hey, what gives?! Not again! Get back here you chicken!



Not content with running away once, Mac makes you chase him like a bitch again and by this point, you just want the fight to be over. After slooooowly scrolling through the slog that is the last segment of this stage, Mac just sort-of floats there, occasionally using his machine gun, while packs of enemies try and catch you out. Fortunately, his arm isn't working here, so you can just abuse the short-range attack and take this guy out really quickly. I know I'm ragging on this part of the game a little, but it really ruins the sense of fluidity the game's had up to this point.



When you finally beat him, let's see what's next! Ooh, I hope there's a zombie-based stage, or something! That'd be kickin' rad!

This page is pretty busy... Much like the game itself. The next stage is this way!