Super Nin-e Sisters (or, as the game constantly tells you, SUPER nin-e SISTERS) is a...
[Alright, what the fuck is this now?
- Ed]
Uh, it's an article for the website?
[You're doing an article on this fucking game? Super what sisters? You some kind of Japanophile or what?]
No, you see, it's funny 'cause I downloaded this game by mistake, I thought it was about Cirno and...
[You know what, fuck it. Out the chair, I'm doing this fucking review.]
Hey, get off! Don't kick me out of my office! What the hell, man?
[If you write about this shit, I'm not fucking editing it. At least if I write it I won't have to correct a billion spelling mistakes.]
Uh, fair play, but could you at least do it in a bigger font?
[Will this do?]
... Yeah, that's fine.
I'd better warn the readers, though- this is Ed's first 'review' and does not reflect the opinions or political stances of the other staff members of Gaming Hell!
And by that I mean 'this isn't my fault this time, don't pester me about it'.
[There's not a lot I know about video games beyond the early 1980s. This may come as a surprise to you, seeing as I edit this website, but it's true. Sure, I've got fond memories of Advanced Lawnmower Simulator on the Speccy and I once beat the writer at more than a few rounds of Fighting Vipers (in fact, that's how I got this job in the first place) but outside that and what I learn from editing this shit-pile, I'm really not an expert. One of the few things I do know, however, is that Super Mario Bros. is a fucking great game, and now I've played Super Nin-e Sisters, I also know that everything that doesn't suck in this universe will, at some point, be forced to suck against its will. This horrid little turd of a game is Super Mario Bros. as re-interpreted with anthropomorphic representations of operating systems. Seriously, the majority of the levels steal their layout from SMB and the basics are identical. Everything else is just a mess.]
[Now, the very first time I played this game, shortly after elbowing my idiot writer slave away from his laptop and stealing his chair and after selecting my 'character' (your choices include 'blue-haired anime girl' and 'blue-haired anime girl with cat ears'- according to the writer, 'they control differently, just like Mario and Luigi in blah blah blah I'm an incompetent nit-wit who shouldn't be let out of my cage'. OK, he might not have said that last part), I started playing and something went wrong. My character frog-marched her way into the nearest enemy, completely out of my control. See, you can choose to play this game with the keyboard, like a normal human being, or the mouse, which is what I'd picked by mistake. Move the cursor in front of her and your little girl moves forward, place it below her and she crouches, and you use your two buttons to run and jump. I'd like you to think about that for a second- a platformer controller with the mouse. Christ, what the fuck is that? It doesn't even work very well, as if you get in the top half of the screen, your character's gonna duck, and forget about moving with any kind of accuracy. If I wanted to play a game I couldn't control I'd just get a fucking Wii.]
['So play it with the keyboard then, you idiot!' I hear you cry. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; there's only one idiot around here, and t'aint me. You could have control options for the mouse, keyboard, dance mat and a fucking fishing rod and this would still be total garbage. The graphics are ugly unless you're into this pre-teen anime bullshit and have a serious hard-on for old versions of Windows (seriously, the worlds are based on Windows 95, 98, 2000, ME, NT... The hell?), the music is substandard MIDI stuff at best, but worst of all the gameplay is a fucking joke! Even with the keyboard controls, getting your little uguu-kawaii-moe girl to reliably jump over pits and enemies is too hard due to the floaty physics and shitty collision detection. It takes Super Mario Bros. behind the shed and shoots it in the head, then leaves it to die. Super Nin-e Sisters is the first game I've played in a professional capacity for a long time and if this is the quality of game I'd have to review, then I'd rather skulk back to my hidey-hole in the office stationary cupboard and edit in obscurity. Seriously, fuck this game.]
[Oh, and before I forget, Lord help you if you say 'but it's a parody of Super Mario Bros.!' because that shit doesn't fly with me. A game parody doesn't work when the game itself fucking sucks! My area of expertise is b-movies, and in the world of cinema, you can make fun of shit movies really easy because they don't require anything from you other than eyes and ears. You don't see anyone doing silly commentary over a shit game while screaming "Hohoho, look how terribly this game controls! Isn't this fucking hilarious, you guys? Huh?!" No, it doesn't work like that- except, perhaps, on YouTube where people don't have any fucking standards anyway- because bad games are bad to watch and play.]
[So basically what I'm saying is that Super Nin-e Sisters is a fucking awful game and I hated every second of it.]
[And the last video game I enjoyed was fucking Solitaire, so I think I know what I'm talking about.]
Are you quite done? That was terrible, Ed.
[A fiver says it's the most popular article for years to come.]
... Deal.
By the way, if you want to try it for yourself...
[Christ, do you hate your readers that much?!]
Oh, alright, I won't bother. If you want to look for it yourself, though, you have been warned.
[Damn fuckin' right they've been warned.]
That's enough for now, Ed.
[... Wait, hold on. Hold on a second.]
[The text here is different from what I remember...]
[Did... Did you censor me?]
You called the developer some terrible things. I'm just trying to class things up here.
Besides, you have a lot to learn about doujin games...
[I'll have your head for this, you rotten little c-]
Edward! Language!
See you next April Fools, Ed!
