The Maid Clothes and Machine Gun - The idea of style, and competing for the best style, is the key to all forms of rocking.

And now, a special message on the subject of maids, and maid cafes. I did not go to a maid cafe in Japan because the prices were set to 'gouge a sucker's wallet, repeatedly'. Now, I live in Southport, a seaside resort in England, and we TOTALLY have a maid caeé. And the prices are good! Their toast is the best in town! So thank you for listening to this caption about cultural exchange. Or summat.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
There's an extensive review of the game here, although if you're really that interested in a game called The Maid Clothes and fucking Machine Gun then kid, there's something wrong with you. Anyway, we dug around quite a bit for this one, and for the most part, the internet denies you knowledge, so we basically got all the info through thorough testing and all that jazz. However, some of our findings were corroborated with this Japanese blog post which, when translated, shows more specific stats for the machine guns and stuff like exactly how many times you have to do the Maid Style to get an S Rank for it. Basically, this post proved us right, like we always are. Unfortunately, there seems to be no way to contact the person operating this blog, so while we would've liked to thank them/ask if it was OK to use some of their info, we couldn't. As such, some of the more specific info from the blog post (such as precise health levels for Yuki and the real-life guns that the firearms are based on) have been left out, 'cause we're nice like that.

What follows is a 'crib-sheet', if you will, for The Maid Clothes and Machine Gun.

Pretty much, it'll teach you everything you need to know.

Controls + Game System
Basic Stage Info
Game Screen
Weapons + Equipment
Stage Ranks + Customisation
Unlockables + Extras

Controls + System

First, a handy-dandy diagram:

9000 hours in MS Paint. OK, that's an exagerration, more like 2, 'cause all I did was trace a picture of a Dualshock 2 from Amazon, but hey Yuki isn't easy to draw, man.

9000 hours in MS Paint. OK, that's an exagerration, more like 2, 'cause all I did was trace a picture of a Dualshock 2 from Amazon, but hey Yuki isn't easy to draw, man.

Now that you know what each button does, let's get a bit more detailed, eh?

THE MACHINE GUN
The eponymous weapon. While you can hold Square for rapid-fire, it's best you tap the button instead, as the standard enemies go down pretty quickly, so you don't want to be left shooting dead air. Besides, that'll waste bullets, and depending on various factors (including the costume you've got on, your chosen machine gun and any customisations you've made to it) you might not start off with that much ammo. If you don't mind wasting bullets, though, then lock on to an enemy and roll with X while holding Square, and Yuki will fire a quick burst of bullets mid-roll that's very useful on bosses. However you spend your bullets, tap R2 to reload your current magazine. It's an extremely effective weapon even early in the game, but the ammo is quite scarce (enemies will sometimes drop ammo clips that give you 30 more bullets) and if you want an S Rank, you have to beat the stage without firing the machine gun at all.

THE A.M. RIFLE
Not as effective as you think. Tap L2 and Yuki fires a gigantic rifle that appears from nowhere (hope you're aiming at something) then she puts it back as quickly as it came out, all at the expense of a bit of your Special Meter. You're left standing like a berk after you fire it, you'll often miss, the damage it does isn't that great, and if you want to use an upgraded model, you're forced to bring the crappiest machine gun/pistol combo with you to accommodate for the weight. It is, however, useful for some of the boss fights in EX Game if you want them to end faster, especially the final boss. Alternatively, press L2 and R2 at the same time and, after a jiggle-riffic anime cutscene (which actually matches the costume you're wearing) Yuki fires a gigantic rocket that explodes almost as soon as you fire it but will murder anything caught in the fairly large blast, at the cost of a larger chunk of your Special Meter. This is the more useful of the two attacks, because it's got a nice blast radius and will help immensely in the EX Game.

THE PISTOLS
The most important weapon in the game, the pistols can only be used after a successful dodge. When the enemy attacks you, immediately press Triangle- Yuki will twirl out of the way and take no damage. As she's twirling, press Square and she'll pull out her equipped pistols and pop a few caps into the nearest enemy's face. During that (when she fires the second shot, if it helps your timing) you can press Triangle and she'll dodge again, then you can press Square and use the pistols... You can do this a maximum of 10 times in a row (after the tenth consecutive dodge, Yuki pulls out the A.M. rifle and uses it at no cost to your special meter, ending the combo). Initially, the pistols do sod-all damage, but this problem goes away once you unlock one of the sub-machine guns, and even with low damage output, they provide a safe way of killing enemies and you'll need to pull off at least three 9 or 10-hit combos for an S Rank in the Combo category. Once you get the timing down, you'll be nigh-on unstoppable, so make this your priority.

THE KATANA
Probably the second most important attack, the katana will prove invaluable during S Rank runs. It's a bit fiddly at first, mind you- you have to be standing completely still before using it, otherwise tapping the Circle button does nothing. Anyway, it's a close-range attack that cuts enemies up surprisingly quickly, and the combo you get from it changes depending on how you press the Circle button and how many times you press it:
Tap three times quickly - Two slashes then a turn-around kick.
Tap three times normally - Two slashes then a spinning slash that hits twice.
Tap four times slowly - Two slashes then a floating bicycle kick that hits three times, ending with a descending slash that has good range.
Tap repeatedly - Yuki starts slashing at lightning-speed, akin to the Hundred Hand Slap, for a short time.
Tap once and hold - Yuki starts to charge an attack. Once it's ready, release the button and Yuki will lunge forward, damaging anything in her way.
If you're wearing the kitchen wear outfit, then not only is the katana more powerful, but the descending slash after the bicycle kick turns into an explosion that damages anything nearby.

JUMPING AND ROLLING
There's absolutely no platform negotiation in the entire game, so your jump (press X) is partly for show, partly to dodge attacks. If you're locked on to an enemy (hold R1) or you're strafing (hold L1), then your jump changes into a very flimsy evasive roll (just like the Onechanbara series) which can be useful if you want to spray gunfire at your enemies, but you're better off with the Triangle dodge.

THE MAID STYLE
Not an attack at all! Press R3 and Yuki will strike one of several poses, including but not limited to sweeping up, holding a tray with a glass of wine on it, and a curtsy. Pointless? Not entirely. It'll leave you a sitting duck for a good few seconds (although some animations are shorter than others and can even be rolled out of!) and seems to draw enemies closer to you (although not by much) but more importantly, you'll be given a ranking, ranging from C to S, if you get through the entire animation uninterrupted. It's based on how many enemies are on screen at the time, but an easy way to always get an S Rank Maid Style is to perform one during a boss encounter- perform at least 3 or 4 to get an S Rank for Maid Style rank at the end of the stage. Why do you need an S Rank in Maid Style? To get an S Rank on the stage overall, of course.

Basic Stage Info

Fortunately, the missions themselves require far less explanation, to the point where having a full stage-by-stage guide would be pointless. In almost every stage (with Stages 3, 5 and 6 being the exceptions) the objective is the same- reach the end without carking it. There's no mazes to find your way through or rudimentary puzzles to solve, not even any key-fetching- all you're ever asked is to slaughter every enemy before moving on to the next area. If for whatever reason the game won't let you progress, just check your map and make sure there aren't any red dots still milling about. This is probably the game's greatest strength, really- it's like a fairly cheap and cheerful arcade-style game that you can coast through in an afternoon just to kill some time without getting all hot and bothered about it. Unless you have a serious maid fetish, you sick little puppy.

There are three exceptions, though. Stage 3, pictured on the left, is a break from all that, a Silent Scope-esque sniper mission where you flit about between two windows in a mansion to defend it from oncoming enemies, either sinister black cars or a small squadron of flying dolls. Warnings flash on-screen when there's something coming from left or right (complete with three different levels of urgency- green, yellow and red) so you need to switch windows to keep the enemies at bay. That's all there is to it- eventually the stage just ends.

Stage 5 plays out identically to a normal stage, but Masaki (the dude you're rescuing) tags along with you, and can be grabbed by enemy dolls- if Masaki's stamina bar runs out, he'll get dragged away by the robots to a weird cylinder, and if they reach it, you automatically get a game over. Just attack the enemies when they get near him to get them to shoo.

Finally, Stage 6, pictured on the right, is a weird on-rails crosshair shooter affair that takes place on the motorway that mostly speaks for itself- just shoot at anything coming your way, really. The boss segment is similarly easy, as the game explicitly tells you where the weak points are. Nothing else to get flustered over, really.

Game Screen

And now, here's a standard in-game screen, in appallingly bad quality. Let's see what we've learned!

#1 - Yuki (The Player) - That's you, jackass! But is she an android or what?

#2 - Map - You won't really need this (these stages are hardly labyrinthine) but the green arrow indicates your position and direction, and red blobs are enemies.

#3 - Machine Gun Clip - Tells you many bullets are left in the current machine gun clip. Reload when it's empty.

#4 - Machine Gun Ammo - Tells you how many machine gun bullets you've got left. When they're gone, they're gone!

#5 - Health Bar - Yuki's remaining health. Once it's empty, it's game over.

#6 - Special Bar - This drains whenever you use the A.M. rifle.

#7 - Lock-On Reticle - The red lines of death hover over Yuki's next victim.

#8 - Combo Meter (Not Pictured) - A number appears here during a combo, and tells you the current consecutive hit. Reach 10 and the combo automatically ends.

Weapons + Equipment

Each weapon is classed in at least two areas- WEIGHT (how heavy it is- you can't start a stage if the combined weight of your equipment is over 90) and POWER (how much damage it does)- with pistols and machine guns also getting a rating for RAPID (how fast you can fire the weapon) and Machine Guns getting a MAGAZINE rating (how many shots you can fire before you have to reload). Except for WEIGHT, the game doesn't give specific numbers for each stat but instead relies on little radar/spider charts, so in the spirit of improvisation, we've pointed out the lowest and highest in each category, then used normal, low or high from there- the stats aren't precise, but they're good enough in lieu of actual numbers. Machine Guns can also have their stats increased using points you earn at the end of each stage (see Customisation for more on that) but for this chart, we'll use the starting values.

Weapon Name	Weapon Type	WEIGHT	POWER	RAPID	MAGAZINE	Screen
STCN	Pistol	15	3Medium3	1Lowest1	N/A	Click
GL18	Pistol	10	2Low2	2Low2	N/A	Click
STMP	Pistol	25	1Lowest1	4High4	N/A	Click
MUZI	Pistol	20	1Lowest1	3Medium3	N/A	Click
MA11	Pistol	25	1Lowest1	5Highest5	N/A	Click
HK5K	Pistol	30	5Highest5	3Medium3	N/A	Click
GAL	Machine Gun	35	3Medium3	3Medium3	35	Click
T89	Machine Gun	40	3Medium3	4High4	20	Click
HK36	Machine Gun	35	1Lowest1	5Highest5	30	Click
CERB	Machine Gun	40	3Medium3	4High4	30	Click
FALC	A.M. Rifle	40	3Medium3	N/A	N/A	Click
B82A	A.M. Rifle	45	4High4	N/A	N/A	Click
ST50	A.M. Rifle	50	5Highest5	N/A	N/A	Click

And here's the clothes you can unlock for Yuki. Each one has ratings for DEF (how much damage each hit takes off your health bar), GUN (how much machine gun ammo you start with), TEC (how much your special meter is drained by using the A.M. rifle/rocket launcher) and SWORD (how much damage your sword does). Two of the four available costumes also have special effects, but really, you should make a choice between kick-ass sword skills or rockin' gun attacks, because that's what you're offered in the kitchen wear and Laura costumes- the blue and white costumes are pretty bog-standard, but here's the stats anyway:

Clothing	Off. Name	DEF	GUN	TEC	SWORD	Special Effect	Screen
Blue Maid Outfit	Vice	3Medium3	3Medium3	3Medium3	3Medium3	None	Click
White Maid Outfit	Coral	4High4	4High4	3Medium3	4High4	None	Click
Kitchen Outfit	Aurora	5Highest5	3Medium3	3Medium3	5Highest5	Bicycle-Kick Katana attack explodes on final hit	Click
Laura Outfit	Rose	3Medium3	5Highest5	5Highest5	3Medium3	The weight limit for weapons is removed	Click

Stage Ranks + Customisation

And after each stage, you get this screen, where you're graded in four areas, from C to S:

I'M THE SCASAMAN, <insert terrible Scatman impression here>

I'M THE SCASAMAN, <insert terrible Scatman impression here>

But what does it all mean? Here's how it breaks down, and how to get that lovely S Rank:

Combo: Based on your dodge combos- how many you made, and how many hits they were. Get an S Rank by racking up at least four 9 or 10-hit combos.
Damage: Based on the number of times you got hit. Get an S Rank by getting through the stage mostly untouched.
Bullet: Based on how often you used your machine gun . Get an S Rank by using only your A.M. rifle, katana and pistols to beat the stage.
Maid Style: Based on how many Maid Styles you performed, and what rank they were. Get an S Rank by performing at least four S Rank Maid Styles.
Total: An average of the four ranks above. An overall S Rank only needs 3 S's and an A.

Depending on your rank, you're awarded points. The points awarded per rank are:

The maximum amount of points you can get from any one stage- that's 5 S ranks- is 100000, which isn't even enough to buy the first weight reduction upgrade for your starting gun. Which leads me nicely on to the badly-implemented machine gun customisation! On the Customize menu, you can alter three of the stats (WEIGHT, POWER and MAGAZINE) for any of the machine guns you've unlocked by spending these points. Each stat can be upgraded a maximum of three times, but you can only have three upgrades at once on each gun (so you can have two POWER upgrades and one WEIGHT upgrade, or three WEIGHT upgrades and nothing else) and once you reach three upgrades, all you can do is reset your upgrades and start again. This is the only non-story part of the game where the lack of English will stump players, but this rather useful diagram shows you how it works:

Sadly, there is no 'BUGGER THIS, JUST GET THIS SHIT OUTTA THE GAME' button.

Sadly, there is no 'BUGGER THIS, JUST GET THIS SHIT OUTTA THE GAME' button.

I'm not going into specifics about how this alters the stats, as there's almost no point.

Basically, if you want to get the most out of the customisation feature, just reduce the WEIGHT.

Or wait until you get the Laura costume then go nuts with POWER.

Unlockables

For your perusal, here's a chart detailing all the unlockables.

Unlockable	Type of Item	How to Unlock
GL18	Pistol	Stage 1 - Rank A
MUZI	Pistol	Stage 2 - Rank A
MA11	Pistol	Stage 3 - Rank S
HK5K	Pistol	Stage 4 - Rank S
T89	Machine Gun	Stage 5 - Rank A
HK36	Machine Gun	Stage 5 - Rank S
B82A	A.M. Rifle	Stage 7 - Rank A
ST50	A.M. Rifle	Stage 7 - Rank S
STMP	Pistol	Stage 8 - Rank A
CERB	Machine Gun	Stage 8 - Rank S
White Maid Outfit	Costume	Beat EX Game
Kitchen Wear Outfit	Costume	Beat the game
Laura Outfit	Costume	Beat any stage after unlocking every weapon
EX Game	Game Mode	Beat the game
Free Mode	Game Mode	Beat the game

We're ending on this pic again because it lets me mention that the ending changes depending on the difficulty...

In Normal/Free modes, Yuki, Laura and her boss, Gerald, teleport back to the future, leaving Masaki alone.

In EX Game, Yuki stays with Masaki, and Laura and Gerald escape through the window and make a run for it.

So there's your happy end.

By the way, the title quote? It's from a Spazz song. Seemed appropriate somehow.