[You signed us up for what?!
- Ed]
Review a Bad Game Day. It's a thing on the Twitters, you see, organised by this Nintendo Legend guy, and...
[I thought I was the one in charge of promotion! That's why I run the YouTube channel and the Tumblr account!]
You're in charge of bugger nothing, man. I run the Twitter account, which means I'm the boss.
[You didn't even think to run this one by us?]
Why would I need to? It's all in good fun, so I went for it.
[A bit of fun?! That's not the Gaming Hell way! I thought it was all about 'if I'm not suffering, I'm doing it wrong'?]
[Four years on this site have made you soft. I guess was wrong about you, man. You've changed.]
We're still the strongest, most aggressive vid-con site on the internet, that hasn't changed.
[Whatever. But let's not miss the point, which is, you didn't ask me. Once again, poor muggins Ed the Editor doesn't matter. You cockrag.]
Are we going to have this argument again? Listen, Ed, I respect you and all the stuff you do for the site.
And I know you don't want to hear this from me, but I love you in that special way that only bros can, and...
[Don't call me bro, Judas. I never get to decide anything around here. I'm going to sulk forever now.]
Geez, you're such a baby... if you're that annoyed, why don't you review a terrible game for this thing?
I mean, I've done one, but you might be able to do something worse.
[Ooh, a treat. Getting to write shit when it's not April Fools' Day. I even get to pick my own game!]
[Lord knows where I'll find sometihng terrible enough. Let's check that Games folder on your laptop...]
Oh God, no, anything but that, please don't look in th-
[Ahahaha holy shit dude! You've got some bloody clangers in here, eh?]
[I mean, what in the name of shitting crikey is Nyan Nyan Parasol? Is this porn? Creepy anime catgirl porn?]
N-no, it's not porn, it's a platform game, honest...
[Suzumiya Haruhi no Gekitou? You knowingly downloaded more Suzumiya filth, presumably to make me suffer again?]
No, dude, it's cool, you get to beat all the characters from that show up, and...
[Let's not even get started on all the Touhou shit. Endless Alice, OK, I'll let that slide because of Alice, but Touhou Seiceoss?]
I didn't think it'd really be a Seicross remake, I swear!
[Alright, let's just pick one...]
[OK, how about Tokukou Shoujo. Dumb name. Anime girl icon. Sounds like a plan]
Oh, you might like that one. It's a sorta-remake of Sky Kid, which is...
[... Sky Kid? You mean my favourite Namco game of all time?]
I didn't have you pegged as a Sky Kid fanboy, Ed. That's... Kinda weird.
[You're a Touhou fan. You have no room to talk on finding my tastes weird, you sicko.]
OK, you got me there. But wait, if Sky Kid gets you so wet, won't you like this game, thus defeating the purpose?
[It's a fan remake. There's no way this can end well.]
Only one way to find out, I suppose. Now, if you're going to review this, would you kindly...
[Yes, I know the drill. Slightly bigger font, activate.]
... Yeah, that's fine.
I'd better warn the readers, though- this is Ed's fourth 'review' and does not reflect the opinions or political stances of the other staff members of Gaming Hell!
And by that I mean 'we did this because we thought it would be really, really funny'.
[This whole endeavour was a mistake. I should've stuck to my April Fools' Day pranks, like I'm used to. At least that way I could've found myself playing something amusingly bad, like the aforementioned Nyan Nyan Parasol (c'mon, something with a title like that can't possibly be good). Something that didn't take a game I actually like (a game that isn't The Pit, that is) and totally miss the bloody point. For this is the nature of Tokukou Shojo. As my incompetent writer cohort pointed out, this is a game based loosely off Namco's overlooked 1985 arcade game SkyKid, pictured above, which is a game where a chicken and a bluetit (I guess) try and re-enact World War II with other avian enemies replacing the Nazis. It's a pure arcade game, so there's not much to it on the surface, but your little bi-plane is a bit more athletic than ships from other shooting games at the time- when moving up and down you can shoot diagonally, and you can also do am evasive loop to hit enemies behind you and get out of trouble. There's also the TARGETS on each stage, which are enemy bases and war machines and the like, which can only be destroyed with the bomb- you only get one per TARGET, you have to grab it mid-mission, and since it uses the loop button you can't hit enemies behind you until it's dropped. It's minimal- the enemies aren't that numerous but to be able to hit them all requires dexterity, especially the ones behind you- but what it does it does well enough, and it's quite fun in co-op mode mostly because you can dick with the other player by shooting them. It's got charm, it's got a unique angle, and it's got moxie.]
[Tokukou Shojo has none of these things.]
[The second game on this low-rent, rat-hole website to be based on a Key visual novel, later an anime (and yes, we're linking to Colony Drop's article on Key again) Tokukou Shojo- developed by Daisessen- is Sky Kid with all the love ripped out of it, replaced with the cast of Kanon (which, depending on which version you play, is a considerably filthier game than the one Tomoyo Fighter Perfect was based on, Clannad). The basics are almost the same- shoot, loop-de-loop, gun down the enemy and grab the bomb to destroy the enemy base/warship before landing safely- but there are three big changes, two of which kill everything. The first change is that there are other girls in little planes like yours hidden in blimps scattered across each stage- grab thme and they'll dock onto your ship, giving you their unique shot power, and the person you control in this bizarre avian conga lane changes at the start of every stage. The girls contribute to the sole minor change (as well as loop, holding the second button charges a Kamikaze Meter- let go and one or more girls will fly out, which is a powerful attack but you'll have to grab the girl again afterwards) and also lead to the real killer. Each girl has a ridiculously powerful main attack which will rip the advancing enemy army to shreds. The starting girl (who we've taken to calling Uguu Girl around the office because that's apparently the noise she makes in Kanon and we're sure as hell not researching this any further than necessary) has a diagonal attack that can kill enemies behind you (the deadliest kind in Sky Kid), one of the others throws out homing projectiles (which are all copies of the main character from Rabio Lepus/Rabbit Punch for some reason) and whether they're all connected or not, their firepower overwhelms the enemy.]
[It completely goes against the spirit of Sky Kid- a game where careful looping and picking which targets to prioritize is the order of the day in order to survive and successfully bomb the enemy- and it all just ends up as a bit of a jumbled, mess. Later levels introduce boss fights and thicker bullet patterns (PROTIP: loop to pass through them) but it doesn't feel right. It's all too chaotic, too far away from the original game, and the additions really hinder what made Sky Kid fun for me in the first place- brutal simplicity. It doesn't help that, with the whole daisy-chaining planes thing, it's often not clear which one you are, so sometimes you'll end up dying without realising. At least, that's what happened to me a few times. This is not how Sky Kid should be, sir. Not at all.]
Yo, butthead, mind if I play Devil's Advocate for a sec?
[No you may not. Go back to your cage, you rotten thing.]
Humour me, just this once.
[... OK, just once. But never again. What is it?]
So, let's just get it straight. This is basically Sky Kid.
[It is, and it isn't. It is Sky Kid because it steals the basic mechanics but it isn't Sky Kid because it sucks.]
Yeah, but the way you're raving about it, it sounds like you don't like it purely because it's different.
[No! A thousand times, no! The changes made go against the essence, the very point if you will, of Sky Kid!]
Nonsnse! Can it not be its own entity, its own game, divorced from what inspired it?
[ABSOLUTELY NOT. Sky Kid is what made this terrible thing, it cannot be anything but an inferior product!]
Thing is, my dear boy, I've been playing it myself and it didn't offend me to this degree. It's different from Sky Kid, yes- there's less subtlety to it, and the weapons are completely ludicrous- but I like being able to kill everything on screen. You know how I feel about video games being as silly as possible, after all. Besides, I don't think doujin releases like this are well-suited to scathing reviews like this. I'm not sure Daisessen's intent was to make a better Sky Kid, exactly. Seems to me they just wanted fun making a game with the girls from Kanon, picked Sky Kid for whatever reason and just amped everything up, especially the weaponry. Hell, that's how I'd design a game (for example, take Kung Fu Master, add helicopters and make it star, I dunno, Haku Yowane or something). It's a different take on the game, and a perfectly valid one. Do you see where I'm coming from?
[No, you think like that because you're an uncultured swine and fail to appreciate the joy of the original game!]
[Stop disparaging Sky Kid, you asshole!]
You're taking this far more seriously than I thought you would.
Is this some weird maternal instinct kicking in, to protect the honour of Sky Kid?
[I'LL FIGHT YOU.]
... Huh. This is a new one.
Would be a nice change of pace, maybe clear the air a b-
[I AM SERIOUS. ATTEMPT TO DEFEND TOKUKOU SHOJO ONE MORE TIME, I WILL FIGHT YOU.]
If that's how you want it...
Now, where did I put that horse tranquiliser... Ah, here it is~
[Horse tranquiliser...? Er, ahem, whaddya know, my sense of bravado's suddenly disappearing...]
[Aheheh, let's just forget about this whole 'I'll fight you' lark, and... Look, put the needle down, we can talk about this!]
It's a sad state of affairs when we have to keep horse tranquilisers handy to keep things from getting rowdy around here.
OK, I'll lay off. Finish your review, Edward.
[Fine. And, er, thanks for not tranquing me. But it's Ed to you.]
[Maybe my idiot writer has a point for once (albeit one he had to assert through violence). Maybe I'm holding on too tightly to the ways of the past. Maybe... I should watch what I'm typing, mother of God what was that drivel in the last sentence? Point is, if you're going to ask me which of these two games- the tightly-constructed, minimal yet challenging Sky Kid, or the over-bloated, confusing mess of ideas that is Tokukou Shojo- is better designed, then obviously I'm going to say Sky Kid. There's no contest here, it's just more tightly constructed. I can almost see where they were going with Tokukou Shojo, though- like my lackwit writer says if you're not looking for the Sky Kid experience, this has plenty of explosions and is perfectly ridiculous, and there's a rather interesting (if awkward) scoring system with the kamikaze attack, where you can get more points by killing enemies with it as it causes point items to spawn... But that's for the shmup maniacs. That's not my scene. Ah, I dunno, the game's just not for me, is it?]
[Basically, if you want my view in a few words, I'm biased but Tokukou Shojo is not a very good Sky Kid clone.]
[I'm going back for another round of The Pit.]
You're... You're finished already?
[Yeah, we're done here. This page is weird enough already.]
Uh... Are you going to ask to see what it's based on, if it's an anime or...
[Already mentioned it. We don't need to go any further than 'It's based on Kanon, a visual novel/anime'.]
You're not willing to do a little extra research and watch the show, or play the game? Not even remotely curious?
[No. Learned my lesson from last time. Not again. Sorry.]
[If you didn't bother playing through Clannad for Tomoyo Fighter Perfect, then I don't have to play Kanon for this shit!]
... Must you spoil my fun?
[Yes. Always. Forever. I am an assassin of fun.]
Aww...
[And speaking of assassinating your fun... Seriously? Kung Fu Master starring Haku Yowane? What's wrong with you?]
I think it's an idea that could go places, man.
[Weirdo.]
It's not April Fools' Day... Oh well, just this once, Ed, we'll let you off.
