Our next location is the rather non-committal Desert. If my guess is right, it's probably supposed to be the Gobi Desert.

Our next opponent is Beetle Master (US/Europe) / Kili Kili (japan). I'll assume he's no relation to Beetle Mania from the last game.



To be fair, the Desert is probably one of the shortest side-scrolling sections, but the problem is that it has some of the most annoying enemies. As well as some mandatory fights with little sand-worms that spit acid at you, you've got these desert shark things zooming across the screen- miss them, and they'll knock you on your ass, no question about it. Since they're so common in this short section, they get very aggravating, very quickly. You'll also want to watch out for the quicksand- if it pulls you into the sand pits, you'll get eaten by a giant monster and you'll lose a life instantly. Amusingly, the sand starts pulling you in the second the stage starts, so if you don't hold the joystick as soon as you're given control, you might die!

(Yes, this did actually happen to me during my first run as Atomic Guy.)

(Yes, I actually suck that much.)



You then get a brief section in the air, as you get sucked into a tornado. That happens a lot in the desert.

You then fall back down to the ground, as point items pass you by.

You're then told, "PRESS THE BUTTON IN A TIMELY MANNER WHEN LANDING" which is classic SNK Engrish. I knew it'd be in here somewhere!



As pointed out to us by Lord BBH, if you do succeed in pressing the button in a timely manner, you get an extra life.

However, the timing for this is very precise. You've got about two frames in which to do it.

Good luck.



This is the last warning from Famardy we'll get for a while- he's still got a way with words, the classy asshole.

In case it's not obvious, I love these little threats.

Possible because they emulate the 'Saturday morning cartoon' villain style so perfectly.



After Famardy tries to give you the willies, his little brain underling stays on screen as you have a teeny-tiny scrolling section to get through.

You'll be attacked by a few waves of little aliens, and, well, that's it really. Nothing interesting to report at all.



And then the brain gets a body. Oh dear.



Beetle Master is another tough boss to fight, and he's just as grapple-happy as Clawhead. Unfortunately, as you've probably noticed by now, the amount of objects you can uproot to throw at the bosses is diminishing, and all you've got to play with here are a few pyramids and a small pylon. What makes it worse is that he has a wide variety of attacks- as well as a brutally quick karate chop, he's got a rainbow projectile that comes from what I sincerely hope is his mouth, an attack where he launches his brain at you like a cannonball, the ability to produce a whirlwind, and an attack where he burrows underground and tries to drag you with him. His throw is the worst, though- he grabs you, stings you with his giant tail, and you're suddenly purple- it's the same effect the helicopters had in the French City, you'll slow down considerably, which will probably give Beetle Master ample time to grapple you again, and you'll be dead very soon.

Seriously, fuck this guy.

He's not even a real beetle.



Worse still, once you drain enough of his health, he'll split in two and at this point you might hear a wail of despair- don't worry, that's just you. Needless to say, at least once during my attempts at this game, the situation arose where one Beetle Master grabbed me and made me slow, then the other one grabbed me immediately afterwards and finished me off. You've got two approaches here- either abuse Super Geon's Earthquake like it's going out of fashion, or you could try what I call the Golden Axe Technique- get one Beetle Master to your left and one to your right, then use jump attacks on them, one after the other. It's not nearly as fool-proof as it is in Golden Axe and Alien Storm (if you ever find yourself playing these games, use this technique to get ahead) but in a pinch, it'll do. Additionally, using Atomic Thunder actually attacks both Beetle Masters, although you'll rarely hit the two of them with this attack, unless the planets are in perfect alignment.



Oh, and as he dies, Beetle Master's brain breaks from its glass bowl and homes in on you.

You can't avoid it, but it doesn't do very much damage at all.



Ugh, I'm glad that's over with. Just 2 more left before the final showdown.



The Super Geon/Atomic Guy/Cyber Woo Ass-Kicking World Tour continues as we advance to the Sea Bed- specifically the North Atlantic sea bed.

Our next opponent is Aqua Slug (US/Europe) / Sack Eyes (japan) and by the beard of Zeus, he's ugly.



Just like the Desert stage, you get another silly little mini-game here. Instead of pressing the button in a timely manner, however, you just have manoeuvre yourself around the screen, avoiding the rather disturbing-looking spike things and picking up the items along the way. Once you reach the bottom, you're told "PUSHING (C) BUTTON CONTINUOUSLY MAKES HIM SWIM." That's very nice to know, SNK. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Swimming is actually pretty useful though- you can use it to dodge projectiles and enemies.



There really isn't very much to say about the stage itself- it's underwater, you're attacked by enemies, there's no surprises here.

This is, however, the last stand of the human race- they have underwater bases, so they'll be using submarines. They give up after this stage, though!



At the end, just like Charlie Brown, we find ourselves with just a rock.

[Oi. Cut out the American humour. I don't care if it's Peanuts, that shit ain't right.
- Ed]



From this rock emerges a creature most foul, the Aqua Slug! Now, this guy isn't as utterly obnoxious as Beetle Master- you don't have to fight two of him, for instance- but there is a big problem here. See, he's got that big shell which is nigh-on impenetrable, and so only the jelly-like part of his body can be hurt. This wouldn't be so bad, but since he contracts into his shell every time he gets knocked over, it means you can't attack him while he's down. In fact, at any point where he's in his shell, he can't be hurt at all. Needless to say, this is rather aggravating. He actually has a few attacks- one where he summons an underwater tornado to attack you, and one where he tries to ram into you- where he'll stay in his shell just to charge them up. Naturally, he can't be attacked when he's doing this, which also means you can't stop these attacks from happening. This doesn't necessarily make this fight hard, per-say- it just drags it out for too long. Jump attacks work best, just expect to use a lot of them. Additionally, you can't use Earthquake on him for some reason, but Atomic Thunder works just fine- remember to abuse it.



Just one more fight. Just one more, and Famardy will be there for us to give him the kicking he deserves.



But before that, it's time for another Bonus Stage!

Fortunately, you can actually win this one if you're on your own. In the time-honoured tradition of the Galaga bonus stage, the objective here is to destroy the waves of little aliens that float on screen, one wave at a time. This is pretty uncharacteristic of the game- it's really easy. All you have to do is find the right place to stand for each enemy wave and attack, and even if you get knocked down, it's not a huge problem, as you've usually got enough time to get up and finish the enemies off. However, you only get your prize if you hit all 30 enemies, so don't screw up. Your reward, by the way, is just six random items. Enjoy.



The last real location of the game is the Lava Zone, which is apparently near the Philippines?

The last enemy standing between you and Famardy is Lavicus (US/Europe) / Eat Wow (japan).

Just taking a moment here to say that Eat Wow is the funniest name ever. How could you possibly improve on that?



There's no side-scrolling section here- the second the stage begins, Lavicus beams down from space and it is on.

Despite being the penultimate boss, Lavicus isn't actually that bad to fight. Oh, he's just as obnoxious as everyone who's come before him, but you should expect that by now. His normal attacks don't have that much range, but he has a confusion ray that messes up your controls and a ram attack that can hit you from any part of the screen. In addition, he abuses grapples, he can spawn enemies (in a rather disgusting way, too- he spits eggs out of that thing on top of his head), he has an tractor-beam attack that you can never escape from in time, he's immune to Super Geon's Earthquake and Atomic Guy's Thunder (he's floating, so he never actually touches the ground), he's very difficult to hit with Cyber Woo's Split-Up attack, and... Well, it's a whole laundry list of bad things. You'd think that this fight is pretty much impossible to win, wouldn't you?



However, he has something that the other bosses don't- an exploitable stage. The stage is split into two halves- the upper section which is relatively safe to stand on, and the lower section which is a pit of lava. Now, the pit of lava won't hurt Lavicus (it'll hurt you though, ha ha ha!) but it'll confuse him a litte, meaning he won't get out of it straight away. What you need to do in order to stay alive on this stage is get Lavicus in the pit as soon as possible. Use your freebie grab, jump-attack him, just do whatever you have to. Once he's in there, spam your projectiles. Super Geon's Flame Breath, Atomic Guy's Ego Attack, Cyber Woo's Blitz Cannon. These are your saviours in this battle. Initially, Lavicus will try to get out of the pit by arcing around, but he'll inevitably end up right in front of you, and that's when you launch your projectile... Unless you're Cyber Woo, then you should try launching it a little earlier.

Of course, Lavicus will get out the pit eventually, or he'll get up so quickly you won't have time to charge your attack. It's inevitable, so when it happens, get him back in that pit. You can try taking him in a fair fight if you like (if you're gonna do this, you better hope you're Atomic Guy, and you better hope you're using the jump-attack-then-kick-'em-in-the-shins technique) but when this game, of all games, hands you a rope, you grab onto it and never let go.



With Lavicus seen to, there's only one enemy left. Famardy- you're next!

You will know fear when you click this link!