2012-2013 at Gaming Hell Headquarters...

20th May, 2013
HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY, GAMING HELL!
Mother of God! How did this happen? How has Gaming Hell, the strongest, most incompetent dirtbag game website, survived for five years on the internet? And for all five of those years, we've been on that pesky ENEMY OF THE STATE blacklist. Not much to say about this year- had a good handful of games I've been dying to cover for ages, and in a rare display of following up on something, I even got another Vocaloid game review in. Oh, and the people running Taito's twitter account liked my Dead Connection article. That's nice. Allow me to pat myself on the back for keeping this ramshackle website up for so long.

As it's been five bloody years, it's time for something different. You may have noticed that there's one console that's not really represented here- the Nintendo Entertainment System. This was intentional. The very first game websites I remember visiting were devoted to the NES, and it's one of the most documented consoles in the world. As such, I always felt that covering NES stuff would be too easy, and too well-known. Running a site for this long without properly covering a game on the NES has to be some kind of record on the internet! A record that's being cut short today, as it's time to play through one of my favourites- Iron Tank: The Invasion of Normandy. Oh, yeah, it had to be an SNK game, didn't it? Humour me, dear internet, just this once. It's a really big article, so watch yourself.

Here's to at least one more year of antagonising my editor, playing electronic entertainment, and being the strongest website in the world!

... And since it's the fifth birthday, here are some amusing behind-the-scenes facts about this site:
* On average, the writing part of each article requires about 20 cups of tea. Ed the Editor prefers his tea with whiskey in it, which he calls 'Mmmmm' tea.
* I have never seen a Kano transformation.
* Unfinished articles languishing on my laptop include Metal Slug 4 (started in 2011), The Onechanbara series (started in 2010) and XEXEX (started with the site itself).
* If you take every single alt-text caption from every single picture on the site, and arrange them in the correct order, you get a full short story to read.
* The site's background colour is taken from the title screen for Puzzle Bobble.
* In The New Zealand Story (Arcade), press the Fire button 5 times before inserting a coin to make a picture of a bear appear.
* Have you found any of the secret pages? Or any clumps of secret text? Maybe there's one around here?
* I'm with Rowdy Yates Block! Who you fighting with?
* Ed's personality is mostly based on my brother, including his swearing, smoking, liking of Strike Witches... But the Alice Margatroid stuff is made up.
[Five years!
I've been working for this site for five years!
oh god no what is happening where did it all go wrong
where are my cigarettes
i need a smoke to reflect on all my poor choices in life
and a violently stiff drink - Ed]

Finally, I'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone who's visited this site over the past 5 years.
And to those who've helped me out along the way.
Let's look forward to more violent battles together~!


20th May, 2013
Oh, what's this? Well, the update above is quite long and self-congratulatory, so I thought I'd keep this bit separate- article updates! You know you love this stuff, kids:
* City Connection - Added a bit more info on the US version of the arcade game- found a flyer for it!
* Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA f - Added limited notes on the PS3 version and lots of notes on the final bit of DLC for the Vita game.
* The Fairyland Story - Added another cameo- Ptolemy's face appears in a hidden round in The New Zealand Story, AKA the best game Taito ever made.
* Momoko 120% - General article clean-up, and added a little more info on Sakura, Momoko's 'sister' in GUNbare! Game Tengoku 2


8th April, 2013
Huh? Wossat? Oh, it's Review a Great Game Day.

Once again, this is a thing organised by 1 More Castle and again, Gaming Hell usually stands alone on the vast wasteland that is the internet... But unlike Review a Bad Game Day, there's more to this than letting my hit-counter increase. Yes, I have an ulterior motive! I simply want to confuse as many people as possible when they see the game I've chosen appear before them on the RAGGD front page! Not that we specifically picked a game everyone hates on purpose, it's just not one you often think of when it comes to really great video games... But it's one of my favourite, and I mean favourite games of all time.

An awed silence, please, for City Connection, which includes one of the longest Extended Play sections on the entire site.

(If you're wondering where Ed's article is... He decided to not join in because I wouldn't let him write about The Pit.)

Anyway, as with last time, here's everyone else's entry in no particular order- click here to hide the table.

1st April, 2013
[This is Ed the Editor speaking. Hello, idiots! Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year. April Fools' Day. When I finally get to take charge of this ramshackle excuse of a website. Why yes, I'm a bit more positive this year. Want to know why? I picked a game I actually like and, for once, I outsmarted my writer cohort. Well, I outsmarted him publically, at least. I outsmart him all the time in the office, it's just no-one ever gets to see it. So, while he wanted me to play Lucky Star Troopers OMEGA, that's not what happened. What game did I pick? You won't find out until you click that link, will you? Oh, and my writer cohort did some lame 'tat' thing about an anime called Squid Girl or summat I dunno who cares. Anyway, that's your lot. See you next year, dipshits!]


9th March, 2013
It's been a long time since we tackled a game worthy of only two stars. The last one was, in fact, P.O.W. - Prisoners of War in 2011. 2011! So, here's Avengers. Enjoy.

And updates! Always, forever, more updates!
Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA f - Snow Miku 2013 DLC detailed, and various little additions, including a mystery surrounding the game's CERO rating. It's not completely up-to-date, though, as it's missing the latest DLC- the 3000 Yen PS3 content pack. We'll get to it... Although we might not bother as it seems the PS3 version is getting localised. Somehow. So we'll pick that up instead. It'll involve borrowing someone's PS3 but it will happen! [oh my god you are completely insane aren't you please get help seek medical assistance this vocaloid stuff isn't good for your heart - Ed]
Dead Connection - This is purely for my own satisfaction but whoa whoa whoa did you know the person running Taito's Twitter account liked this article, huh? You know now.


2nd February, 2013
Quar-tet, c-c-c-c-c'mon! Oh, wait, no. There will be no c-c-c-c-c'mon for Quartet, because we're actually talking about Double Target, the game's Master System port that, a bit like Laser Ghost, isn't really an accurate port. It's pretty decent, mind, but...

And updates! Always, forever, more updates!
Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA 2nd - Another Sega reference I missed! What kind of fan am I, anyway?! MEIKO's Shining Hearts costume has been added.
The Puyo Puyo Library - I usually keep this page on 'silent' updates, but Kimimi of Kimimi's Blog kindly translated the Puyo Puyo Tsu Perfect Set filofax card for the site. Thanks!
Zombie Panic in Wonderland - Added the wallpaper/icons only available in the seasonal Mission in Snowdriftland flash game.


2nd January, 2013
We're still on holiday. And by that I mean my editor is still on sick leave for reasons he won't even tell me! I still think it's that secret page we put up last month, must've really done a number to his delicate psyche. Anyway, that doesn't mean we can sit on our laurels and do nothing. We do that most of the time, yes, but there's clean-up to be done.

Specifically, the following pages were updated...
Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA f - Information about the Toro and Kuro DLC added.
Miscellaneous Tat - Just reminding you this page exists. Have you seen HYPER TOMMY GUN 64 on here yet?
Grief Syndrome - General clean-up, and rearranged the page so it's less eye-straining. Oddly, this is the least popular article on the site. I wonder why.
The Fairyland Story - Added a new entry to the cameos guide- A Ptolemy item appears in Bubble Bobble: Lost Cave, a fan-made hack of the arcade game.
Fighting Vipers - Turns out the XBLA/PSN version is closer to the PS2 Sega Ages 2500 port than I thought. Kids Mode is in the PS2 version! Aren't I a silly moron for missing it? It's just I had no idea how to unlock it until now. Thanks to help from Twitter in the form of @TheZotmeister, who translated the code from the website for the game.

Incidentally, remember last time when I said the Vocaloids will probably not return to Gaming Hell? It turns out I was wrong, sort-of. If Megpoid the Music# shows its face on the Playstation Network, I am on it like a bad rash for two reasons: To continue Vocaloid coverage on this horrible part of the net, and also because it looks embarassingly bad. It looks as rough as old guts and I'm down with some terrible entertainment, so long as it's cheap!

Oh, and as for me? What have I been doing in this holiday from Gaming Hell? Well, y'know, this and that.

Gaming Hell will return in February. Please look forward to it.


1st December, 2012
If you're a normal human being, you can probably safely skip this month's article. If, however, you're an unusual human (or, perhaps, a normal non-human) then please, enjoy this extremely beardy look at a rhythm game released only in Japan. Yes, Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA f has appeared! Before you ask, no, I didn't buy a Vita just for this game. What kind of lunatic do you take me for? I bought a Vita for EDF 2017 Portable and Gravity Rush, obv. Sadly (or fortunately, depending on your view) this will probably be the last appearance of Vocaloids on this site for a long time. We made sure they went out with a bang.

As ever, a bit of tidying-up happened too:
Fighting Vipers - Added notes on the recent XBLA/PSN re-release of the game and Honey the Cat in Sonic the Fighters. Also, bit of clean-up.
The Tower of Druaga - Lots and lots of clean-up (this was after we found out someone linked to this page on TVTropes oh god what did i do wrong why why why what did i do to deserve this horrible fate) and a new section with notes on the Tower of Druaga anime series. Yes, such a thing exists. Yes, it's pretty bad. I'll probably clean this up even more
About the Site - We finally added a Special Thanks section. Are you on the list? Probably not.

Incidentally, we'll be taking a holiday next month. We're preparing super-early for this site's 5th birthday! Mother of God, five years of this crap, and I thought we wouldn't last a week... Oh, and that Project DIVA f article was so intense that my poor, long-suffering editor has demanded immediate sick leave. Everything was fine until we were putting the secret page together, one of the screenshots made him react super-violently or something. He'll be fine, I'm sure he won't die. He never normally dies. See you in February!

... This has nothing to do with the fact that I ordered Gigantic Army recently. No. Nope. Nothing at all.


13th November, 2012
Hey, remember the last time we gave a game 5 whole stars outta 5? Neither do I. Now we've dished out another one, to a game that has almost everything I love about video games within it. It's a Taito game, it's from the 90s, it was never ported to a home console... It's Dead Connection. And here's the short review. You think you might be ready for this game but you are not.

Also, the odd update here and there:
Splatterhouse - A dicey one, but we linked to the complete Splatter Faith soundtrack, as it seems to be impossible to find now.
Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA 2nd - Added three more Sega cameo costumes, all from the Valkyria Chronicles series- an Alicia Melchiott costume for Miku, an Unknown No. 1/Imca costume for Rin and an Unknown No. 7./Kurt Irving for (gah) Len. Also restructured the review a little to make it easier on the eyes.
Zombie Raid - A long-standing error has been rectified. The locations of the secret rooms and the three crystals were originally posted on arcade-history.com by an unknown player, and they helped us beat the game. We finally give credit where it's due. Sorry, we genuinely forgot to credit this.

Hmm, an update to the Project DIVA page. That's bad news. Real bad news. Why?
Because it means that soon, the Vocaloids are returning to Gaming Hell!
Violent rhythm action to come again!!
[No, no! Not that nonsense again! - Ed]


1st October, 2012
This is a bit of a first for Gaming Hell, the first game we've covered on the site that's more about the story than the game mechanics. It's the ultra-depressing Corpse Party for the PSP, a surprisingly scary RPG-kinda deal except instead of random battles and item management, your true foe is YOUR EVER-DECREASING SANITY BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We liked it, except for some bits which we discuss in-depth. Because we love you. Anyway, there's also some teeny-tiny changes to some older articles this month:
* Bullet - The latest MAME history.dat offers an alternate theory as to why Bullet disappeared into obscurity after release- apparently many of the boards were converted into Tetris boards. We've noted this where appropriate.
* Zombie Panic in Wonderland - Added a mini-review of the iPhone/iPad version, Zombie Panic in Wonderland Plus. Hilariously, because the iPhone has a built-in snapshot feature, our screenshots of this port wipe the floor with the Wii pictures we took for the main article! Well, we have a reputation of incompetence to keep up, you know. Also, in the name of transparency, there was an unfair joke about Alice being dressed like a slut that we removed. We're trying to class this place up.[Good fucking luck with that one! - Ed]
* King of the Monsters 2 - Lord BBH informed us that the 'PRESS THE BUTTON IN A TIMELY MANNER' mini-games in this game can be won, and they offer an extra life. We've noted this where applicable. He told us this yonks ago. We are lazy.


4th September, 2012
Ah. We said we were going on holiday, but unfortunate events have spurred us into action, as they sometimes do- Future is finally pulling the plug on Nintendo Gamer, formerly NGamer, formerly NGC, formerly N64 Magazine, formerly Super Play- although it will continue online, it is officially dead in print. I grew up with N64 Magazine, so I got my scanner fired up and created an impromptu tribute to my favourite video games magazine. This is not the best salute possible, but it's all we can do. Good luck to all Nintendo Gamer staff, past and present.


23rd August, 2012
This is, what, the third new article this month? Gotta be a record. I decided to go ahead and throw this one up early because I've been trying to write about this game since I found it but wasn't able to as I couldn't get unofficial online multiplayer working. This turned into an Amiga Power-esque running joke on my Twitter page (with a hilarious painfully unfunny payoff) but now, finally, mercifully, you can read all about Grief Syndrome on this fine website. You'll note that not only is this based on an anime, it's based on an anime I like (Puella Magi Madoka Magica) which will seem unusual! I don't anime very often so I only go for the best (which is why my 'list of anime series I've finished' includes this, Fist of the North Star and technically M.D. Geist. And The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya but that was a mistake I swear). Enjoy!

But you know, this is actually the fourth new article this month. We now have a miscellaneous tat page that I forgot to add anything about on the front page because I am an idiot. Excpect updates on it... Eventually? I guess?

Anyway, we've been busy lately, both on and off t'internet, so we'll be skipping updates in September. It's the most dangerous month of the year anyway, because Touhou fans show their true form on the 9th of the month [Christ, Touhou jokes. That's earned you an hour in the dog house, at least - Ed]. Hopefully we'll see you in October (although I seem to remember the last time Gaming Hell went on holiday, the entire site disappeared off the internet for over a month so fuck if I knows when we'll be back). Stay dangerous, dudes.


8th August, 2012
Welcome to Review a Bad Game Day.

This is a thing organised by 1 More Castle, and while we usually pretend the rest of the internet doesn't exist (mostly by putting our fingers in our ears and singing the theme tune from Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors really loudly) we thought this would be the perfect excuse to finally sell out for hits opportunity to tackle a game that has a special place in our hearts. Specifically it's a game we desperately want to love, but can't because it's shite. It's Konami's Crime Fighters, another 'early' scrolling brawler, but one that fares a lot worse than P.O.W. - Prisoners of War. This game was chosen carefully for this event- I could've gone with Burning Fight, but that's just a straight-up bad game. Crime Fighters had potential but it misses the mark, as you'll see.

[Ahem. I hope you haven't forgotten that there's actually two staff members here at Gaming Hell. Because I felt left out, I bullied my way into this as well. Risking life and limb, I, the great and powerful Ed the Editor, have braved the horrors of my idiot writer's PC games folder and found Tokukou Shojo to give a good kicking to. It's crap, but writing spiteful shit like this is the reason I haven't given this job up just yet. See you jerkchickens next April Fools' Day! - Ed]

Er, yes, quite. Now, one of the purposes of this little event is a bit of cross-promotion, and while my editor likes to think Gaming Hell stand alone on the internet, we felt it was only sporting to get into the spirit of things. What follows is a list of (most of) the other sites/blogs/entities that participated, along with the game they chose to inflict upon themselves- click here to hide it.

(If you only have time for one, we recommend Tinpot Gamer because he's a real nice dude. Also, ZX Spectrum <3 <3 <3)

You may notice, ladies and gentlemen, that this table only appeared a few days after the event in question. Typical Gaming Hell incompetence? Well, not this time. This is because entries to the official site were left until Friday (i.e. today) and, well, it was a bit of a nightmare grabbing the actual links to each review from the official webpage for the day because some were linked and ready to go while others weren't. And some didn't work. Oh well~


24th July, 2012
Last month, our update was scary, horrfying, manly. We're doing an about-face this month. Get ready for the beginning of a violent struggle in Whatevertown, Japan, as we look at Tomoyo Fighter ~It's an Exciting Life~ Perfect Edition. Be warned, this is a pretty beardy article.


25th June, 2012
I was supposed to upload this in February, so you know this one's been delayed. Quite a bit. It's SPLATTERHOUSE. Read it, you punks.

You want to keep going...? Click here for Year 4: The Year of Destruction
Or click here to leave.