2010/2011 at Gaming Hell Headquarters...

20th May, 2011
HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY, GAMING HELL!
Fuck me. Three years on, and we still haven't been shut down. Being on that ENEMY OF THE STATE black-list must be doing wonders for the hit-counter. If I can put on my denial of reality glasses for a moment- they're a bit like rose-tinted spectacles, but blue- then it's fair to say that this has been the year when this horrid little shit-pile finally did something useful, as we've received more feedback than ever! And by that I mean the feedback counter was at a number other than zero. Still, when the owner of one of the biggest gaming sites on the 'net calls you a whingy twat, you know you're doing something right. Or wrong, I forget which.

[Nah, aggression is the way to go- people who hate you link to you more. - Ed]

Er, yes. At any rate, this site's survived for three years, and hopefully it'll keep going for at least another two- I'll continue to do things the Gaming Hell way (which is a bit like doing it the hard way, but slower and with more screaming) until I get sick of the ruddy thing.

Now, unlike the last time we successfully made another trip around the sun, there's no massive website-changing update for you, just a few bits and bobs. Recently I added a shit-ton of links to the bottom of the front page, but never introduced them formally. From the top, we've got Allaweh's Domain (a jack-of-all-trades blog that has game 'timelines' including a Zelda one), Magweasel (the best PC Engine-centric blog, with the Deep Blue and War of the Dead articles being particularly great), Gaming Theory (a blog written by a fellow who actually makes games, including Go! Go! Sonic! and Broken and Bleeding), GDRI (the Game Developers Research Institute, who work hard to ensure unsung game developers like Aisystem Tokyo and Megasoft don't go uncredited), Kid Fenris (a blog that mostly consists of amusing game/anime oddities), GJAIF (an important blog that strikes the heart of the shit-churning machine that is video games journalism), Shit Otaku Say (a tumblr for the mighty Colony Drop chronicling shit that otaku say, with no wry commentary- the quotes are presented verbatim), and finally, Busy Street (which has little to do with video games but is still funny, pointing out the absurdity of the internet). Phew!

Now, the main update for today was supposed to be a little thing called the Puyo Puyo Library, a collection of scans pertaining to Puyo Puyo. Unfortunately that's all gone a bit tits up. It's my scanner, you see- it's not playing ball. There's a prototype for you to gawk at here so you can see what a mess I've made of those scans, but I won't be making it all spangly and nice and proper for a while yet. To make up for it, we have a self-indulgent article entitled Nintendo Customer Service, which is a collection of letters I received from Nintendo, back in the days of yore when people actually sent letters. It's a little bit of fluff, but it's interesting. Maybe.

Oh, and I updated About the Site, mostly adding more on the site's inspiration...
I'm just a rip-off of Lord BBH ;_;

Here's to yet another year of self-deprecating humour, playing video games, and being as aggressive as possible!


1st April, 2011
[This is Ed the Editor speaking. 'Sup, motherfuckers? Yes, it's that time of year again where I get to be in the driving seat. There was some insurbordination in the office earlier, when my idiot colleague decided he wasn't going to review Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball. If you want a job doing these days, you gotta do it yourself, so here's a hate-filled diatribe about the game. This took me at least an hour to make, so read it, you miserable shits. See you next year, chucklefucks! - Ed]


29th March, 2011
THIS IS HOW IT ALWAYS ENDS. UK:Resistance, possibly the best games website on the internet, is no more. We here at Gaming Hell would like to salute Gary Cutlack and his various cohorts (including GigerPunk and Terrier) for providing almost 15 years of entertainment (roughly eight of which I was an avid spectator of) and, at least partially, influencing the writing style of my little shithole. Thanks for all the vicious, self-depracating laughs, guys, and goodnight.


17th March, 2011
The Maid Clothes and Machine Gun, then. Not only does it have its own review (and one that only lightly pokes fun at the game's ridiculous premise) but it even gets a guide, mostly because while it has to be one of the most infamous Simple 2000 series games, not many people are actually willing to, y'know, talk about it. The truth is, it's not bad. Just average, in the same way Robocod is. As an amusing aside, I believe this is the very first game in the Simple 2000 series to get coverage on the site, a series I'm morbidly interested in (I've been working on an Onechanbara article for what seems like forever, but Bikini Samurai Squad is soul-destroyingly dull so that's been delaying it). Anyway, enjoy, and please excuse me if I accidentally refer to the game as The Maid Outfit and Machine Gun- that's what I thought the game's name was until acquiring a certain artifact which confirmed the game's English title for me- we'll be covering said artifact on April Fools' Day, if all goes well and Ed doesn't lock me outside the office again.

Also, fixed a hilariously long-standing and embarassing error on the Arcade Legends: Space Invaders page where I called the kick-ass Lunar Rescue Lunar Lander (also a good game, just not the one on that unit). Transparency, etc.


12th February, 2011
A Wretch! Video Games!! article, huh? Haven't really done one of those for a while (or at least it feels like a while, because Psycho Soldier was actually written months before it was put up) so it's nice to be doing them again. The game in question is a pretty short one, but also fascinating- it's Sega's Bullet, an extremely obscure dual-joystick shooter that came out after Robotron: 2084 but before Smash T.V. Can it compete with one of my favourite games of all time? Read the article to find out, or read the short version if you're pressed for time.

Also, I might as well mention that over the past month or so, I've noticed a slight increase in my readership- I've actually received emails about the shite I put up here (including one that told me they found the site by asking Google if Touhou fans actually play the games- oh my god yessssss) and I even got linked to by this nice chap. This is weird because for the past two-or-so years my editor and I were under the impression that this site was repellant to readers rather than attractive to them. [I keep telling you, if you started covering games people have fucking heard of we'd be knee-deep in readers! - Ed]

In light of this, I'd like to extend my heartfelt gratitude to everyone who reads this website and enjoys it- I really appreciate it- and would also like to apologise for the fact that it only gets updated once a month. It's done that way to maintain the site's near-unhealthy standards of quality, and to ensure that a whingy, tea-drinking rat bastard such as myself can, in a funny way, earn your respect by doing his best to not completely suck at writing about vid-cons.

Many more reviews and articles will be available soon! Please look forward to them.

... Oh, and I have a Twitter page now. LOOKS LIKE I FINALLY SOLD OUT.


25th January, 2011
A small but awesome update- I received an email from Anthony "Smog" who amusingly pointed out a glaring mistake on the first page of the Hard Head 2 article, which has been corrected. We here at Gaming Hell would like to apologise for misleading our readers like this, and promise that whoever was responsible will be shot. Twice. Enjoy your minor internet fame while it lasts, Anthony!


15th January, 2011
A quick and dirty Let's Gaming Love for this month- it's a look at Puzlow Kids, the Puyo Puyo localisation that technically doesn't exist. A bit weird that, eh? And I know, another short article, but just because it's been quiet on this site doesn't mean I've been lazy- no, over on RetroCollect, I've been busy, to say the least. Like I said, keepin' things quiet here so I can work on some big jobs. Be prepared. The future is now. You are the next lucky contestant!

Now for a bit of transparency on my part. Keen readers will note that there were a few jabs at Hardcore Gaming 101 on this site a while ago, mostly on the two King of the Monsters articles. Specifically, I called the site 'unreliable' and expressed my desire to run through it with a red marker pen. However, said comments have now vanished. Is this censorship on the strongest website?! Turns out they found my article and weren't happy. After Kurt Kalata called me 'some whingy twat' (sadly, this will probably be my finest moment on the internet) I went in to correct them- I'd prefer it if they called me a tosser. Oh, and I apologised profusely too. They have since corrected their own King of the Monsters article, and as such the offending comments have been cheerfully withdrawn (because I'm not a total arsehole) and the matter has been resolved.

No hard feelings, eh lads?

STEALTH EDIT - 27/09/11 - The HG101 post above has since been removed (the entire subforum it existed on- Article Suggestions and Corrections- has been deleted entirely) so there is now absolutely no evidence that Kurt Kalata once called me a whingy twat. Why didn't I take a screencap? I had half a year to take a freakin' screencap!
Also, I only just remembered that the Editor's Note for the first KOTM article contains the phrase 'stupid, cretinous morons' which is, I assume, why HG101 was so offended- it was actually intended for the readers, who we gleefully try to offend at every opportunity. I knew this was your fucking fault, Ed! [Hey, not my problem someone took me seriously for once - Ed.]


12th December, 2010
So I added two new links to the front page. First, there's a charming blog by the name of Red Parsley written by RetroKingSimon of the Retro Gamer forums. A very nice blog, this, as it goes into great detail about the games covered, and I helped with one of the Bubble Bobble galleries, so it's got my approval. The other new link is something I'm a part of- the labour of love that is RetroCollect, a website that hopes to become a new home for UK and European retro game collectors. The game database on there is insane and so is one of its co-founders- he asked me to contribute (possibly not realising what a lazy bastard I am) after reading this very website, just as long as I promised Ed wouldn't interfere. [You'll get what's coming to you for this, mate. - Ed] Of all the webpages I've pimped out on this website, this is by far the best- don't waste your time on my shit-heap, visit it now!

Oh, I guess I'd better talk about this site now. The other major update this time is a review of a game that's earned a special place in Gaming Hell- it's one of its inner circles, so to speak. It's Classic Bubble Bobble and it's awful. I figured I've covered so many good games lately that I needed something truly wretched to balance it out.

The more astute readers among you (all five of you) may have noticed there wasn't an update last month. What could have possibly happened? You'll be pleased to know I have a fairly air-tight alibi- I've been working on a whole slew of articles (including but not limited to Spaltterhouse, Puzlow Kids, Alien Storm and at least two more) in order to buy time to work on something big (either Imperishable Night or the SNES Sailor Moon game- depends on how much I hate myself). Worry not, readers, Gaming Hell will continue to hold strong on the battlefield of hastily cobbled-together game reviews, at all costs! Please look forward to it.


25th October, 2010
So yeah, I guess my Tiny Text Adventure was awesome enough to win third prize in the Birthday Contest of Forever Competition at Tiny Cartridge. I'm honestly amazed I won anything, let alone the extra stuff I'll be getting now. Cheers to you, Eric Caoli and JC Fletcher for (somehow) letting me win! And, you know, running an awesome website and all that.

And now, down to business. A new Wretch! Video Games!! article is up- blimey, it's been a long time since one of those, eh? It's another SNK game, one of their pre-Neo-Geo games, the bizarre-but-actually-pretty-cool Psycho Soldier. Let me tell you, this one was a long haul, mostly because there's a lot of subtle tricks to the game that you need to learn. There's also a short review here and bonus material here including fourteen different versions of the main Psycho Soldier theme. Enjoy.


26th September, 2010
Well what do you know, The Tiny Text Adventure didn't completely suck, which means I won an Honourable Mention prize and, according to JC Fletcher, I am totally fucking raw. Remember, you can also download it here and here, too. Unzip to its own folder and start playing by opening 't1.html' first. I will wear my Tiny pin with pride, thanks to Tiny Cartridge!


12th September, 2010
This is not a real update. I've entered a competition over at Tiny Cartridge and this is my entry- The Tiny Text Adventure. Come on, consolation prize! I know I can win one! Oh, there's a downloadable version of it here and here, too. Just unzip to its own folder and start playing by opening 't1.html' first.


22nd August, 2010
Well, it looks like there's been a change of plan. Both about my ridiculous 'Summer of SNK' proposal, and something else. First off, the next article is on its way (honest), and it's all about Pyshco Soldier and it's going to be awesome, but I have some other fish to fry before I get to it. Shit happens, y'know? Anyway, here's a short little article for you, a little ditty on what happened when an internet detective decided to go temporarily insane- it's all about the mysterious Yohko Ishino, her connection to the Sega arcade game Teddy Boy Blues, and a few terrible songs to download! Wheeee!

Now for something completely different. Almost a year ago now, I uploaded the Touhou Project page, fully intending to, y'know, fill it with content. Unfortunately, real life kind-of got in the way, but that's not quite enough to stop me! And so, we're getting a few presents early- Touhou Time Issue #2 and Touhou Time Issue #3 are now up, covering the characters and the fan-base respectively. This was partly because I wanted to do something Touhou-related, and partly because I absolutely had to vent about the fucking interminable fanbase and attack them while it's still fairly fresh in my mind.

Luckily, ZUN is doing a bit of hating on the fans for me, in the form of this utterly epic bit of trolling. Ahahaha, suck it, Touhou fanbrats! The character you hate the most has got her own game! Cirno is the strongest! Eat shit and die!

Incidentally, the site may have been down for a while as I was accidentally suspended for some reason. That was a scary 45 minutes!


4th July, 2010
Christ. A day after uploading that Megamix article, my laptop had to be senmt off for repairs, as it'd had enough of my abuse and tried to kill itself by cooking its own guts. Then, only a few days after that, the secret backup laptop also died so, in desparation, I resorted to using the 10-years-old-powered-by-a-crank family laptop. If it'd continued I might've been fuckin' updating this from a grotty café in Southport. Again. Fortunately, that's not the case, and my normal laptop is fully operational again. For the next few updates, we'll be having an SNK theme- I was going to call it the Summer of SNK but dude the summer is already half-gone so what's the point. Anyway, this month it's SNK Arcade Classics Vol. 1 that's under the knife, and it also comes with a guide to getting Medals and unlocking all that hot Shinkiro artwork.

... Well, OK, one more thing. I added two new links on to the link dump at the bottom, but this time, they aren't just bullshit I found on the internet! No, these ones are made by real people! Or, rather, people I kinda-sorta know. Both of them are regulars down at the Retro Gamer forums where I post total rubbish from time to time. One is Darkstalker90's Blog, a nice blog maintained by a chap who goes by the name of Megamixer on the forums- he loves Fighting Vipers, and that makes him a cool dude. He also does excellent reviews so have a look. The other is DarkPrinny.com, which is just a bunch of random 'stuff'. But it's good random stuff! Visit them so they'll add me to their sites and maybe someone will visit and oh why even bother what's the point


23rd May, 2010
A new guide/article hybrid has appeared, and it's Fighters Megamix, and this month's article has some (entirely fictional) insight into how Sega works! Read the review, or skip straight to the guide!

You want to keep going...? Click here for Year 2: The Year of Wilderness
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